So now I am completely stable, a few reflections:

I spent A LOT of money while manic, which I regret. My son cried when he heard I spent all my money from selling the house in my divorce, and it hit me.

I hurt my girlfriend emotionally multiple times, all while manic.

I had several plans for suicide, while depressed.

Still, I miss the feel good parts of being manic, which at this course I know I'll never see again. Even though I know it was all an illusion, it still captivates me how I could be so confident, so carefree, so bold. I miss those parts but not the destructive parts. I miss having so much energy that I didn't need to sleep much. Now I can't get enough sleep and I'm still always tired. I miss having focus and motivation, which eludes me when I'm stable.

I guess a lot of people with bipolar might feel similar, just thought I'd share my thoughts. I'm just a regular 'nobody' now, and that part sucks, even though the prior was an illusion.

Anyways, hope all are doing well with covid-19.

Stay safe peoples

-G