My first virtual session with R went well. She asked how I am doing, and I dodged it.

‘What did you get from my latest email?’
‘I got that you were not coping well.’

We talked about the specifics, and then I segued into talking about the retreat.

‘It’s almost Sod’s Law that the biggest writing thing I have ever done coincides with a global pandemic!’ I told R about all the things I learned from the retreat, and Cathy’s kindness. I explained that I feel like there are more important things going on in the world.

‘Whatever is going on in the world, Lost, you are still you.’
‘On the Sunday evening, when I went down for the introduction to the retreat, we all shared a little about the things we are writing. I took a couple of false starts and then explained that I am writing about my experience of online friendship and catfishing. Before I came away that night, Cathy came to say goodbye, looked me in the eye and said ‘Well done for saying it out loud.’

‘What I am hearing is that you found a way of explaining that is comfortable for you. That sounds like validation to me – did you feel heard?’
‘Yes, I did. After our most recent conversation, which I am not sure you could call a conversation because I was crying for most of it…I actually looked at my options for cancellation.’
‘I feel like I kind of put that on the table. I must admit it was difficult to see you so distressed, so I just tried to hold you, physically and emotionally.’
‘Since then, I broke three times.’

‘Broke?’

‘Cried.’

I explained that Cathy had set up a room for me, even though I didn’t end up staying, and that proved very useful.
‘On the Tuesday morning, we did an exercise called Ugly Noises. Start by humming, and then make a noise you wouldn’t normally make. It helps loosen up the writing.’
I explained that I wrote about the Easter Sunday service at the Methodist church. ‘I didn’t get into anything meaty, but after lunch, I felt like I needed to scream.’ R asked about the specifics of the need to scream, but I couldn’t elaborate.
‘I ended up going into the room, closing the door, and starting to hum. Then I began to cry.’
‘I just wanted to reflect back to you that you’ve spoken about crying, and you kind of brushed over it, I don’t know whether it’s because we’re on Skype, but I see a kind of confidence in you since the retreat.’
R said she wondered how kind I am being to myself with everything that’s going on. When we began, I noticed she was wearing a ‘Be kind’ t-shirt.
‘I thought it was apt.’
Her cat was present for part of the conversation, but wandered off when she realised that she was not the centre of attention.
R mentioned that although she isn’t qualified for online therapy – ‘it is a thing’ -

‘In the case of an established relationship, such as between you and I, the need outweighs anything else.’
‘Yes, it’s important….’ I couldn’t finish my sentence.

‘Perhaps my boundaries are down in light of everything that is going on, but as your therapist and someone who cares about you, I want to say that I am really, really proud of you for going and creating that safety for yourself.’
We set up for next Thursday, when we will use Zoom instead.