I am sorry you are struggling, hopealwayz. Excellent counsel from bluebicycle and fern above. I have been thinking a lot about this very topic lately because of my own struggles and one thing I would like to share that I think is a Big Trap for people with bp 1 is forgetting what this illness really and actually at times, is for us. I, myself, actually am not a fan of the term "mental illness" in 2020. I believe it is anachronistic and adds to they mystery, negative Hollywood mystique, confusion, and stigma we all face. I believe bp1 is a primary brain disorder, disease, or illness--choose your favorite. I cannot really show you an MRI or PET scan or point to lab values--yet--and show us the physical evidence of our bp 1, But this is only a matter of time (and actually, there are specific MRI findings in bp 1 people, FWIW).

The reason I am off on what may seem like a tangent is that it is very important, when trying to make sense of and find meaning in a serious manic episode, to be very, very focused on remembering and honestly acknowledging that you do, in fact, have this incurable, lifelong (for now) treatable brain disorder. Our spending or sex or raging at people or thinking we are The Messiah or whatever are manifestations of a brain disease. You are not "crazy." You are not a bad person or a low-life or constitutionally irresponsible and unreliable--or, as my extremely unloving and uncaring "brother" likes to say of me, a "cyclone." These things all occur as a direct result of this brain illness we all share.


If you neglect to remember this, then, if you are at all like me, you may fall into The Trap and The Trap is to compare yourself and your actions when manic/psychotic/symptomatic with the actions of people (or yourself) when asymptomatic) who do not suffer from this illness. That is completely unfair to you--to us--and an inaccurate analysis and it is almost surely destined to create shame and suffering and misery. It is really no different than giving a type 1 diabetic sh** because their glucose is 300 and their A1C is 10. Or calling out a patient with coronary artery disease for having chest pain or a heart attack. It is blaming us for having a disease over which we sometimes have little control. It's just completely inappropriate and wrong.

Don't fall into The Trap. It's sort of a cognitive behavioral therapy thing. When you start going down that self-judgment road, stop, identify that you are doing this (again), and remember about your brain disorder--which you did not give to yourself. That actually cannot be physically, neurologically, done--AFAIK. I know of noone who has successfully given themselves bipolar 1.


So, identify what you are doing. Remind yourself that your illness is behind it, not your bad character or substance, and--as wisely noted above--be kind to you. Practice not judging you. It takes practice. Noone is perfect at it. But having that insight about the nature of your brain disease offers a very good opportunity to make real sense of a prior manic episode and avoid the pitfall of endless self-judgement and comparisons to our well self and to others.

Be well!!!