I have hesitated replying, because your situation sounds somewhat like mine was, and I can tell you what the underlying feeling was, underneath the anger and rage -- Abandoned and rejected and bad and it's all my fault and there's nothing I can do and nobody who can help and . . .AWFUL

But it took me 50+ years to "get in touch" with my feelings, and what the last therapist diagnosed as dissociated parts. The anger/rage "acted out" a little in one session, almost 6 years after I started therapy with the last therapist. And she shamed/disapproved of me. And something crumpled inside, and the anger/rage didn't/wouldn't show up in therapy after that, and the rational me "approved" of that because of the way the therapist had handled things. We went on with "therapy" for several months and didn't get much of anywhere and eventually the therapist terminated because she "didn't have the emotional resources" to continue.

AND THEN, eventually, I got to what was underneath all that - first, by feeling distressed and unbearably AWFUL that the therapist had failed and disappointed what I expected of an expert long-term therapy (I was counting on her, and "therapy"). And then rejected me. Abandoned and rejected and bad and it's all my fault and there's nothing I can do and nobody who can help and . . .AWFUL. And then, about 6 months later, a feeling like that but associated with my family appeared in my consciousness one day and I was in-the-bed depressed for several days and in bad shape for a month and still not doing so great for several more months.

Seems like that would indicate it's a pretty bad "feeling" -- a pretty bad situation internally. And, yes, it felt like that. And so, it makes sense that if I was feeling that as a 5-year-old, say, and had no help or recourse, that I -- or my nervous system -- shut that down, numbed it out, etc.

But getting it "back" is and was no panacea. When I felt like that I lucked out that I had this forum to vent on, and a support group that I had been in about a year, although at the time I had no idea that THEY could and would accept me, as therapists had not. But they have.

Perhaps your therapist will and can accept all of you -- and "be with" you in the midst of recovering the abandonment feelings, if in fact you have anything like me. And then help you to integrate it and overcome it and move forward into life.

It seems to me now like there was "good reason" I "resisted" all those years in largely useless therapy -- despite me intellectually trying to "do the work" and etc., etc. My friendship with support group members continues to grow. Which, in my 70s is a relatively new experience for me. I had had friends in elementary school but then a traumatic incident in my family when I was 13 shut things down, and I hadn't had any close friends, except for my late husband, in my adult life.

So, based on my experience I think there is hope, but in no way is it easy or a straight line. And it really, really needs a therapist who knows what they are doing and can handle what comes up in the client and most importantly IN THEMSELVES. If something in you isn't sure that your therapist can handle it, then it will resist becoming known, perhaps -- as I said -- for good reason, unfortunately. I "pushed" myself to try to get in touch with and accept my feelings, and maybe something in me felt or suspected my last therapist couldn't handle it, but the rational me couldn't know that, because that information or intuition was in the part of me that had been numbed out. Or at least that's the best I can do in trying to explain it.

Your situation may be and probably is different in some to many to all respects from mine - but maybe my story will provide a little perspective or possibility. My 2 cents, for what it is worth. Or not.