What you describe is very familiar for me too. What can I say?

You are dissociating, you are experiencing a split between the mind and body. You are not feeling safe with your T and you don't trust her. That's most probably not specific to her but very likely applies also to all other people in the world. You write that you focus on her. That's quite understandable and normal if you don't feel safe because if the environment is not safe then you have to be vigilant.

You have seen this T for four months. Honestly, four months is nothing. Based on my own experience and based on what here today wrote, these things take years. It's impossible to force you feel safer and start trusting because those things are not under conscious control. These processes are very long and the only thing a T can really do, is just to keep being patiently present, not giving up hope and constantly trying to make the environment safer for you, so your true self can start to emerge. It can take years, for some people it can take their whole life.

Your T is suggesting that there might be anger behind it. I don't know what is her reasons for suggesting it, and I did not get a feeling of anger currently from your post, rather a desperation of trying hard to do what you're supposed to and still not knowing what to do. But, it is possible that there is anger behind it and it is possible that if you finally find this anger, it won't be pretty. As here today wrote, not all therapists can take it, but unfortunately, in order to be helpful to you, she has to be able to take it. And the problem really is that no one really knows how the dissociated feeling can start to come out.

I myself had a huge amount of anger and rage hidden and dissociated in me. Initially I knew nothing about it but gradually started to come out. I was the angriest, meanest and most difficult patient for my T for long time - months, actually even few years (and this process still continues to some extent). I have acted out a lot and I myself have been really surprised by the creativity my rageful part has shown in order to find a way to somehow give a blow to my therapist. I have been extremely lucky that I stumbled upon a T who is very patient, not intimidated, able to keep necessary boundaries, able to loosen boundaries when necessary and who understands this process I'm going through (probably not totally consciously) and who thinks I have to go it through in order to find my emotions and my true self.

I have been dealing with these processes for almost seven years now in intensive psychoanalysis and god it is slow and there's really nothing I can do to speed it up, other than just showing up and trying again no matter how hard it is. I find it possible that this is one of my life's projects.

So, you are in the very early days of your therapy work and I very much hope that you have been lucky with the T you have. The process that lies ahead is very long and difficult because it is really about finding yourself.