Ever since I've had a diagnosis with severe mental illness, I have had suspicions and unhealthy poisons in my heart towards others. Basically I can't retain any long term confidence that someone is actually for me. I can believe they're for me for a few hours or maybe a day, but I always revert back to believing that they don't care and that they are actually against me.

Actually, I can believe my parents and my girlfriend are for me. But that's it. My closest friends, my doctors, my pastor, my counselor, all these people are being worn down because I need constant affirmation from them.

So I took it to pen and paper tonight. I wrote down all my disbelief in them, what I was afraid they thought of me, and even pretending to tell them why I have such a hard time believing that they are for me. And I decided to not really tell them, but rather to put it on this forum.

I also wonder why I am doing this. Is it because I was deeply hurt a long time ago? I remember being bullied a lot in school. I want to get down to the core here, so I don't go on hurting myself and them.

Does anyone else struggle this way? What are other ways you have found to bring the suspicion meter back to zero with relationships?