Quote:
Originally Posted by bpcyclist
Mmm. Well, for one, as far as I am aware, there is nothing about me that could possibly be of the slightest interest to any large organization. I have no important information. I do not break the law. I was never in intelligence. Not in the middle of a divorce or business breakup. So, on it's face, it makes no sense whatsoever. I am just not a very interesting person.
Second, there is a ton of security in this building. Everything is recorded--every single entry and exit. Everything is on video. There is no way some kind of big operation like this could happen without property owner support and they would never do that without multiple warrants/court orders/etc. And there is zero basis for any legit judge.court to approve such orders, as I abide by all laws.
Third, I have both bipolar 1 with a lot of psychotic features, esp. lately, and PTSD. I was, in fact, horrifically mistreated by law enforcement long ago. That did actually occur. I have some of it on tape at my attorney's office, just so you know. But there is no question that those years badly damaged my brain. My threat assessment system is completely broken.No question about this.
So, I know all these things. And they are somewhat helpful to be aware of. But I am still struggling despite that insight.
Not sure about that symbolism piece. I am operating at a more literal, concrete, fear-based point of mind in all this.
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So I think it is great you are aware of how unlikely it all is. I know you experienced it in truth previously, but it seems like your mind is playing it out over and over. Either that, or you are the world's most interesting man and various groups are willing to throw millions of dollars at watching you for no good reason.
I asked about symbolism because, at least for me, when I was psychotic it appeared my subconscious mind was creating my experience even though I was awake. My biggest fears were magnified and translated into personifications of themselves or archetypes. I was awake and in extreme fear and it felt 100% real, but it was highly symbolic of some trauma I had experienced. I only realized that pattern after analyzing what occured through a symbolism based dream analysis perspective.
Now, when I have a delusion I look for meaning in it and try to determine the root cause of it. I welcome it and look for what I'm meant to see the way people do in dream analysis. That has been helping me to process some of the heavier fears that weigh me down. So far, I have been able to stop the process when it begins before it spirals out of control. I don't know that will always be the case, but if I can head a subset of this off at the pass it is completely worth the effort. Conscious awareness that my subconscious is placing dream like thoughts into my waking reality has helped a lot.
You were traumatized to the extreme. There's no denying that, but I am eternally hopeful the state you have been in does not have to be the norm forever. Different systems work for different people and I hope you find a way to greater peace in the future.