Your feelings are real. Divorce from another person when you are not in favor of divorce or have a value on your commitment can be horrible. I've had the same feelings and it wreaks havoc on you. The hardest part I found with Divorce vs having a spouse pass away is with divorce, no one comforts you or gives you sympathy and also there is so much more pain and emotions. I am sorry for your loss and your pain. I am here for you on this forum.