Wow, I’m really glad I found this place. Every night I have been crying and feeling worthless and just all those negative feelings. I fear I probably do have or already into the far end of depression.

A little background about me-- I have seen death since the age of 2. I’m only 18 and I’ve been to 40 or more funerals. For a while, when in high school and middle school we had family members or older friends dying 5 at a time. For someone at that age, especially me, it really takes a toll on a person. I have lost all grandparents and almost all great aunts. I have no great uncles left. I don’t have any elderly people at a grandmother’s age that I am close to or can share things with. I really miss out that. The close grandma that died in 2001 was the last of the grandparents and I have her diaries, of which I read how depressed she was. She didn’t show it and I’m beginning to do the same thing. Writing, it helps. But keeping it away from people or inside…doesn’t.

As the Valentines Day approaches, I am far beyond wanting to celebrate it. My boyfriend of on and off 3 years has been grounded from me and I am not able to see him. In fact, we had a wonderful day/night at the beginning of January and he’s been grounded from me since. It has depressed me a whole lot and I do cry every night cause I want to see him so badly. He’s younger than me, so it’s kinda hard, but he does understand a lot, though.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I haven’t really been happy since…well, I don’t really remember. Every now and then and most of the time in high school (since 2002) I got involved in so much that I pushed all the depressed thoughts out of my mind and in the back of it, until I am alone, which is more than half of the time -- since I am an only child -- and then I sit and think about the stuff…and cry…

I don’t know what to do. I think I need help. And, I cannot believe I am admitting that after all I am the one to help everyone else.

-_-