I wouldn't have mentioned it if I felt it was out of your league

I too was in a similar place consciously speaking. I had a pretty strong resolve and felt like I could weather any storm. Oddly enough, my greatest fears are the same as yours. I was fighting hard for kids and to keep them safe and I had a fear of losing my mind the way my mother had. At any rate, my 'dark night of the soul' came.

It turns out I suffered some trauma from when I was a child that I repressed. If I had to guess, it caused me to dissociate. Memories of that trauma began to surface before I got sick. They helped to explain why I was so afraid of my kids being hurt.

When I went psychotic, it was just like being in a dream. I didn't analytically think anything through. I just acted instantly like you do in a dream. Seemingly unrelated things all blurred together one after another. At first, it seemed like pure chaos and I repressed a lot of it. Only my husband really had the full picture of what happened and of course he could not see inside my brain.

I started digging into psychoanalysis and the theories Jung had about the subconscious and how it works and holds the memories that we have dissociated from. It is the home of our deepest fears personified and he speaks at length about the possibility for psychosis if the subconscious takes over and we begin to identify with its personas. It is like a dam that eventually just breaks and floods your mind if you repress too much.

I knew the subconscious mind is in the driver's seat when you dream and I remembered telling my therapist several times my episode felt like I was trapped in a nightmare I couldn't break out of.

Several more memories from my episode came back to me and it hit me. My subconscious mind was in control during my episode. Somehow the balance went haywire and that's why I could only remember bits and pieces. My conscious and subconscious were in one epic battle.

So then I reviewed the parts I could remember, but in the same way you would if you were trying to understand a dream. Here are a few interesting parallels I made.

I stood in my hallway for a long time and slammed hand onto the light switch and each time the light came on I yelled 'do you hear me now?'. I would then turn it off and whisper 'I don't think they hear you'. From a consciousness perspetive the light represents the conscious mind and the dark is the subconscious. I think perhaps my subconscious wanted me to finally see what was hidden. It was so adamant I did this until my hand bled. It didn't think conscious me was getting it so it stepped up to the next level.

At one point I thought my husband, who I felt was evil during my episode even though he's the best dad, stole my child. I busted down a huge section of wall to get to and free my child. Subconsciously we all have an inner child. Mine had been abused. Symbolically, I think I was projecting the role of my abuser onto my husband and the role of damaged me onto my real life child. I was basically trying to save myself.

There are tons of other examples, but that might give you an idea. So now, when those similar feelings come up I consciously tell myself that it is ok that I feel that way. I remind myself that those memories do not have to hide anymore. I no longer dissociate from it and welcome those pieces home. I acknowledge the fear and match it with unconditional love. I also try to hold compassion for those who hurt me because we are all connected. I've found a small sense of peace this way. I'm still working with it.