Hello everyone,

Thank you all for replying. I'm on the one hand relieved that you recognize these issues, and on the other worried that it will also take me very long. I've thought about it and although it scares me that it may also take me decades, the best thing I can do now is to continue this therapy and try trusting my therapist and getting closer and closer to my own feelings. That doesn't mean I feel all positive about it, but it's probably better than not trying.

Here today and feileacan: I feel similar to you in the sense that I also sometimes feel an intense rage. Plus the shame to show my therapist any ugliness that may come up. I try to tell myself: if there is one person in the world I should show any ugliness to, it's my therapist, because they can handle it and help me (and, underneath the 'ugliness', there is probably hurt). But it's easier said than done. My therapist keeps asking me: what is it you would want to say to me, or do to me?, which makes me think she is open to me wanting to e.g. hit her. It makes me think she has handled ugly reactions, so that's one thing. I can imagine that if you have finally reached the point where you express yourself, and then your therapist doesn't respond well, that's really awful.

In the session today, I talked about my doubts, and about my frustration at this process. I expressed my anger towards her, which gave me some breathing space, and was relieved to find out that she was responding to me professionally/friendly, explaining to me that her job is to make me aware of it everytime that I distance myself from my feelings. That was a good experience for me, it felt more equal in the sense that I had shown her my anger (not in a ragy way, but it was still anger), so shown her myself, and she responded without judging me etc.

I've also talked with her about how other people who have all this doubt about their own emotions learn how to grow closer to them. My conclusion for now is that, when I have a vague feeling of anger (or other emotion) that I'm not even sure I'm really feeling or making up, I'm going to explore it in the session, perhaps to find out later that it wasn't anger. But at least for now I'll explore whatever it is that I have to go on. I hope that perhaps this is helpful also to other people here.

Comrademoomoo: I get what you mean, what I've discussed with my T is that most of the feelings that I feel clearly (fear, anxiety, sometimes sadness) are feelings that cover up the other feelings (e.g. anger), especially those feelings that I suspect will cause a problem in the relationship with the other. So the goal is for me to feel the 'real' feelings, instead of the other feelings (which attack me, instead of the other), that I feel to save the relationship (but which do not protect myself).

I feel relieved after this session. I hope that those of you who are also struggling with this are going to make progress. And also: if anybody at any other time wants to share their insights on what things have helped them access their emotions more directly, please feel free to post them here. Maybe we can help each other, I for one would be very grateful for ideas. I'll also post when something new seems to be helping.