Hi everyone, I just want people's opinions on my relationship. I have been in this relationship for over 4 years, been living together for quite a while and last year we bought a house.

When getting into relationships it is often confusing and difficult for me, made more so since I have C-PTSD due to childhood sexual abuse. This girl gives me a lot of love, made a home for us and supports my C-PTSD. I can talk to her about anything but there is one problem.

Lately we've been having heated arguments intensified by staying home everyday due to the coronavirus. During this period of conflict I started to re-evaluate the relationship and look more closely at how I feel about her. The thing is I don't really feel anything romantically/sexually for her. In fact as I look back over the relationship, there has not really been a time where I have experienced 'fireworks' or chemistry or that 'spark' needed for sexual attraction.

As mentioned relationships are difficult for me since they bring up the betrayals and abuse by my parents, especially my mother. Therefore, trying to identify my feelings and sexual feelings can become 'foggy' when in a relationship since I find it hard to really identify what I feel about someone in an intimate relationship. And I have done this before with another girl who I was not sexually attracted to. When a girl shows interest in me I intend to abandon what I feel and give more importance to her needs/feelings. From speaking to my T, this happened with my mother in childhood, I had to take care of her feelings and abandon my childhood needs/feelings. I end up wanting a girl to take care of me, fix me but she cannot do this for me, only I can.

I had a lenthy conversation to my T today and he suggested that through emotional intimacy the physical part may grow. And he suggested the recent fighting may have turned me off her. But I said it's none of that, it's like I've had a 'lightbulb moment' and its very organic in that I don't feel anything sexually for her. I said over the last 4 years I've been trying to find her sexually attractive but it isn't working. I'm basically lying to myself. As I read somewhere once its either there or it isn't , you can't make yourself like a person in that way. I take notice of some girls I find attractive and can now see the difference. I told him I can't be in a relationship if there is no real sexual attraction and its been 4 years.

I have a conflict since I still love her but I don't lust after her. I've always wanted a home and love but at the end of the day my adult sexual needs are not being realised. Please share your thoughts if you have time.

PH