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Originally Posted by wheezyrose
Hi all, WheezyRose here and this is my life.
from a young age my mother managed to convince the doctors I had an overactive imagination- I had an imaginary friend. I just wanted someone to spend time with me. I used to ask her if I was adopted every other week-month, because I wished there was a possibility there was a mother out there who'd be better to me than her.
I got the hairbrush round my head most of my childhood, I was called Stupid until I gained a complex that I was, and ugly, and worthless.
She even took my son's firsts off me. she held him before me. she bathed him before me. she fed him his first bottle when he refused my breast. she took our valuable bonding moments.
I've had a string of bad boyfriends and sexual experiences.
While he was babysitting me and my brother.
He told me not to say anything- I told my cousin and closest friend. my cousin told her mum and she told my mum, who asked me and I said nothing happened. she didn't get me checked or tested. I hadn't gotten checked until I was pregnant 8yrs later.
by a 26yr old man who asked me and my 16 yr old best friend to move in with him, he also had a 15yr old female best friend, who I found out he was having an affair with her mother for the last 3 months of our relationship (since finding out I was pregnant) yeah... red flags all over the damn place. All my mother could say was how disappointed she was in me getting pregnant, at the same age as her with me I may add.
I willingly lost my virginity at 16 to my mate's mate she set me up with and we ended up going out for a week and holding hands once and he broke up with me, because it was too awkward apparently. *sigh*
so I started sleeping with his best friend. on and off. **** buddies.
USED.
I was used by these men and then by my supposedly best friend at the time, she then kidnapped me (she thought it was funny...I didn't) I nearly burnt my mum's house down because I was cooking at the time. she expected me to sleep with her crush's random mate because she wanted to hook up with him. I refused and nearly was left in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night, with no phone. until I demanded to be taken home. that was the only time I've stuck up for myself.
Didn't stop me getting a bollocking off mother.
So I then went on to sleep with random boyfriends that were abusive, cheating (with boys too!), and getting screwed over again and again.
Smoking Cannabis and cocaine and getting drunk was my teens until I got pregnant. Then everyone left me.
One friend stuck around and then lied to the police, which then let my rapist off going to court. then I took her back as a friend, until she told me that my son didn't have appendicitis, through her doctorate in googling, even though he was in the operating theater, having it out as she typed. bye.
My current partner of ten years.... well where to start.... he's a sex/porn addict. has given me PTSD from it... and the amount I've had to put up with over the years. Of him having to make me think I'm going crazy, making me think it was ok for him to be wanking or needing to release before sex. for my own pleasure. then convincing me that I'm crazy rather than looking at his own actions. When ever I talk about it I'm not sure if I want to still be with him. but he's trying, I think, I hope. I don't think he's relapsed since the last one. and that was the final straw with me. I find one more pic or site visit... anything then it's over.
I can't deal with this anymore. I just need one person to say, I know how you feel. I have a therapist. and she's been through similar but it's not the same. I need a friend... I'm agoraphobic, CPTSD. depressed, anxiety, paranoia. *SIGH*
any one out there? please?
I don't know what to do. Seems to be the title of my life.
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Hey WheezyRose,
First of all, thank you for being brave and sharing your story. Even anonymously, it is not easy to open up about our personal struggles.
I am sorry that you had to go through all of that, but I have to tell you one thing, do not lose your hope. I had a different life experience, but I too suffered a traumatic abuse (by someone close) at the age of eight, which haunted me for years. Since then, I had dealt with depression, suicide attempts, and an overall lack of interest in life. I've been abused many times after in adulthood under the influence of alcohol, which made me feel extremely suicidal for days. I never told anyone about it (except briefly to some therapists) and I don't think I ever will, but one thing that got me out of it was to stop one day and realize that I had to do something.
I literally wrote on a piece of paper what was wrong and possible solutions. It sounds like a simple thing, but it was a terribly difficult process. My family was never understanding so I decided to move away. So far that I came to the United States without speaking English and nobody else. Working in low-wage jobs I still struggled with people who were not good to me. So after many years, I cut everyone that I would consider unnecessary in my life (including family). I started exercising, went back to school, stopped smoking cigarettes cold-turkey, alcohol (only one glass of wine once in a while), and started investing in therapy - mainly CBT. In sum, I moved from death and misery to being hopeful again. It is a daily battle but at the end of the day, you feel amazed by what humans can do and how we can adapt amidst pain. My biggest medication is TIME. Only time can truly heal, and don't be afraid to be on your own - you are your biggest motivator.
So I understand that it is easier said than done, but I've done it. I'm not completely safe from the past, but at least I'm fighting for the rest of my life. You too can do or at least trying your best to do something about it. Believe in your truth and stick up to yourself. Think of your child, find your strength in him and how you want to improve yourself for his future. Don't be afraid to ask for professional help, they can help you to find the right path. And most of all, you are still alive for a reason, don't waste this opportunity, you have to react knowing that none of this is your fault. You were a victim, but now it is the time to start your transformation to a victorious human being. Believe.
Be well and safe!