Today was our 3rd video session since it all kicked off. We started online a week ahead of most people because, it turns out, T has a heart condition I didn't know about.
Last couple of sessions have been frustrating for me. Chatty. And my kids being home from school hasn't helped. Today, I had our session from my empty office (I come into contact with nobody as I can park outside my office and there is nobody else in the building). I much preferred having the privacy, and fewer distractions, though T said he could hear the traffic noise quite loudly my end, which I couldn't, because I was wearing headphones.
We had had a couple of emails back and forth since last week. One where he seemed kind of annoyed with me (as I had said 'I think you were feeling x last session') and he had written (inc capitals) 'I was NOT feeling x'. And then he had done much better when I pointed out he seemed annoyed and we felt okay again. So I said we need to talk about that. I said how one of my biggest fears is being 'too much for him' and it leaves me feeling, he has his own stuff going on, I should disappear. He said he wants to break that into two parts: 1) he doesn't experience me as too much and 2) yes, he has a lot going on, adapting to this new reality, and it's possible those difficulties slip through into how he communicates sometimes. I said "so maybe that part of you finds that part of me too much?" T smiled and thought for a while and said "in that moment, perhaps that interaction was too much for a part of me, but I am not a static entity, and neither are you, and you are not too much for me".

We talked about my usual routine coming to visit him. I talked about the lovely cafe, near him that I visit. I said, I suppose it is closed? He said yes. I said I miss it. Then I paused and said, "what I am filtering is that I miss you more". T said "I'm flattered you miss me more than a cup of coffee!" I said "[cafe name] is more than a cup of coffee!" And we laughed. And then we talked about the ritual of visiting and the drive and everything.

I drive about 1h 20m to see him, and I had to get used to roundabouts to do that, because there are about 3 billion of them between my house and his. T said that his first T (when he was in his 20s) lived about 10 mins from where I live now, so he did the exact same journey as me but in the other direction. And he had learned to drive in an area without roundabouts, so he had had to get used to them on that journey too. There was also a cafe there that he used to frequent, just like me. Somehow we got onto talking about other similarities between us, and how I enjoy the parallels. We often talk in metaphors about our relationship, as though we are on a journey together, roped together. T said it is as though the rope is made up of threads, and our similarities represent some of those threads. I liked that. I said that means the rope can't be broken. T asked me how I felt about that. I said it make me feel less nervous about our bond breaking through this. T said good. I said I didn't often use the word bond, but I liked it. T said it is a good word, because it means connection, but like "my word is my bond" it also means commitment. I said to T that I noticed he had used the word commitment to describe his feelings towards our work a few times, including in the email he sent me to let me know he had to self-isolate. I said "I feel like it's not that you care because you are committed, I feel like you are committed because you care". T said that's right.

We had a few moments of silence, just looking at each other. It was different, because I find eye contact so comforting, and that is absent, but it gave me pause to notice the careful attention he gave to me and think about the ways we had already nurtured the connection, through giving time to the threads of our rope. It was nice to show him my office space too and I took the laptop round the room to give him a little guided tour. He said that his background would get tidier and tidier as the weeks went on, but this is our third week and his office is as messy as ever

I love him, and I am glad we are making this work in some small way. It's not the same, but today, for the first time, it felt okay.