So here's the short story:
As a kid my mum took out her frustrations on me physically, I had a set up in the top of our hot water cylinder where blankets were stored with food, drink, books and a torch. I'd disappear for hours and they never ever noticed.
I didn't really have friends as a kid, my mum taught at my school and was quite picky of who I hung out with and my sister spent a lot of time away from our house at her friends so I spent a lot of time alone as a kid.
My first ever relationship was when I was 15 and it was a but of a mess from the start I had depression and anxiety and probably wasn't ready for a relationship, I had zero self esteem and literally said yes to the guy over text (I had two friends with the same name) without even being 100% of who I said yes to because I just wanted to feel wanted.
We were together a total of 5 years with a gap of a year when I moved away for university, a week before we moved into the house we brought together I ended up calling the police after an incident in public 3 years after the first incident, he was charged and we went our separate ways. I moved on it took some time and I drank way too much and did stupid things. My next serious relationship was a whirlwind we were colleagues and became friends with benefits and then flatmates, then got into a relationship and within a year we were engaged. He cheated and lied the entirety of our relationship and I just drank and played the idiot. We took a break and despite him going around telling everyone we were fixing things he got a mutual friend of ours pregnant. During this time I realised I hadn't dealt with everything from my exes abuse and I crashed, had a mental breakdown ended up on anti depressants and quit drinking. During this time I met my son's dad, I should've seen it wasn't healthy he just wouldn't leave me alone, he walked me through recovering, he'd show up at my house at all times of the day and night. He was paranoid, obsessive, and we weren't even together. While I was on antidepressants I was a puppet someone said jump and I would and he had full control of me. Anyway we split last year, it had become insane. He had severe anger issues, I could say hi and he would explode, throw things, accuse me of things, he had an online relationship behind my back for months and was chatting up multiple other women as well after our son was born because I wasn't giving him enough attention and he was jealous of our baby. I literally picked him up off sidewalks when he had been out drinking with his buddies. My son now has anxiety about loud noises, people being stern, yelling, people debating or being aggressive. He still has contact with his dad and his dad's supposedly gotten help for his issues but I've had a year of him crying and blaming me for all his ****. It got to the point I thought the only way I could leave was if I killed myself, when we split he refused to move out for 3 months and it just got worse in that time. Anyway I'm in a new relationship actually I have been for almost a year, it was unexpected and he is amazing. The level of respect he shows me is insane, we haven't even had an argument, when he gets angry it's a very mild grumble and he just deals with it, he is so unlike anyone I have ever met and its thrown me how he treats me. But now I'm struggling, the thought of actually letting him into my life. We went on lockdown and he wanted to stay with us for 4 weeks and I totally freaked out. He wants to help me with my son, he wants to be a part of our lives. He wants to breach lockdown to visit me on my birthday so I won't be alone and the thought of it all is causing me so much anxiety. I talked to a counsellor and she said it's normal considering what I've been through but to shelve it while we are on lockdown and we will work on it once all this is over. But it's not going away and I can't just sit here with this bubbling and questioning whether I'll actually be able to have a real, proper relationship. I love him and it seems ridiculous that I'm freaking out, I should be happy but all this **** just won't go away. I just want a normal life what can I do?