Quote:
Originally Posted by Esmme
I've been out of an abusive relationship now for about a month and a half now...
I've been back and forth between a relationship with him.
He slapped me a few times, sexually assaulted me and often called me degrading names.
The cycle usually went, he'd hurt me, I'd try to stand up for myself and tell him I didn't want to be hurt, he'd act like he cared, he'd stop contact with me, I'd come running back and I'd allow him to hurt me again (even though I told him the last time that I didn't want to be hurt that way)
Well, the cycle began again, but this time... I decided to not go back to him. I decided that now I would finally, finally leave him for good.
But now he's started texting me, basically asking for sex and saying that we're still together, but I told him that I'm done.
He's been trying to make me feel bad for my decision, saying ,
"Oh, so I guess I'm not worth trying to work it out with, huh?"
"I guess you think you're too good for me now?"
"I guess I never even meant anything to you then?"
It hurts,... this is what he's done every time I've tried to leave before... or whenever I've tried to stand up for myself. He makes me question my love for him and makes me feel like I have to "prove" my love for him...
I still love him, I really do, but I will not let myself be hurt by him anymore.
For the first time in I don't know how long, Ive felt confident of myself and I feel good... I don't want him to take that away from me..
I don't know how to start over...
I don't know how to pick up the pieces and keep going...
My heart hurts so much and even though I don't want to be with him, I still love him and I am kinda scared of a future without someone to love me back
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It's not love hun, it's manipulation. You don't actually love him either, you are just terrified of being alone but no one is ever truly alone. Block his number, it's like an addiction you have to go cold turkey and cut all contact. Sure at some stage you'll be able to unblock it but you need to go through grieving the future you believed you had with him and the person you believed he could be. Truth is he will never be that person, if he was ever going to be he would've been from the start. I've been through 3 abusive relationships, each were different but the common factor was they were all over the top whirlwinds. You know that crap we are made to believe from fairytales well they got it wrong that stuff is toxic and never ends with happily ever after. Real love is slow, its like an ember that warms you just enough not a fire storm that burns you down.
Focus on you, on building your life to what you wasn't it to be because you are worth giving that to. Mother yourself, connect with your inner child and do the things for yourself that comfort you and ease your soul, feed yourself well, dress yourself, think what a good mother would do for their child and do that for yourself. It doesn't have to be what your mother did for you but what you feel a mother should do.