I floundered my way through a really tough virtual session with R. She could see that I was struggling. We greeted one another, and she asked how I am.

‘In times like these, that is a really difficult question…’ I promptly burst into tears. ‘I didn’t want this to happen.’
‘It’s OK, Lost. I know it isn’t the same, but I can still hold you emotionally.’
I composed myself, and then said ‘Shall we start with the artwork?’

‘Yes, let’s.’ I then attempted to fumble through a description of the piece.
‘Have you got it with you?’
‘I can grab it – let me just do that.’

I returned and said ‘Thank goodness one of us is on it!’ I proceeded to talk her through the picture.
‘I still wanted to try and talk about this, because you asked me a question at the end of that session, although I wouldn’t call it a conversation.’
‘What did I ask you, Lost?’

‘Are you scared. I wanted to speak, but the emotions got there first. You can’t put punctuation marks in file names, so the piece is actually called ‘Scared’ question mark.’

I explained that I was surprised by the existence of the orange figures ‘because I didn’t think there was anger there.’
‘The orange figures are anger?’
‘Yes, and the dark figures are there, because they are always there. The central figure is me, as always.’ I continued. ‘I haven’t been keeping track, but I have cried five times in the last three weeks, and I didn’t want to make it six, but I suppose I already have.’

‘How do you feel right now?’
‘Reaching for a piece of paper.’ I wrote the words ****ING FANTASTIC TIMING. R read it and nodded.
‘Mum’s noticed now, and my support worker yesterday. She came to help me with a bath. I asked the same question I always ask…I reached for my piece of paper. AS IF PEOPLE FOLLOWING THE RULES WILL MEAN THIS IS OVER FASTER.’

‘I am not proud of myself, but she said something about ‘And it’s Easter next weekend.’ I replied ‘That’s part of the ****ing problem.’

‘That strikes me as really authentic.’ I explained that not everybody who supports me knows about what I am dealing with.
‘I have only told those who are closer to me in age, because of the explanation.’

R said she could see me quivering, and urged me not to fight the emotions. ‘This is a really difficult time of year for you anyway, without the pandemic. We’ve talked before about a tap. I would offer you to do whatever it takes to relieve some of that pressure.’
‘Reaching out to people is hard because of the situation. I’m struggling to stay afloat.’
‘You’ve been treading water for a long time. It sounds to me like you’re tired, and you don’t want to try to fight this.’
‘You said it.’ I paused because I didn’t know what to say next.
‘This year was the first year I had a plan. I am so tired of getting through things by the skin of my teeth.’
‘That gives me a really clear picture. You had a plan, and now you have nothing. That’s a huge loss.’
We talked about some of the common ground we have in terms of our feelings around the pandemic, both of us feeling lost to varying degrees.
‘Most of my coping mechanisms are gone.’

‘Can you tell me more about that?’

‘I didn’t realise how important getting out is to getting out of my head. Other than the bathroom scene, I don’t really have a mind’s eye, so I can’t conjure up those places where I feel safe.’
R said we had a couple of minutes left, and she wanted to offer me some positive affirmations.
‘As a gift from me to you. You can say them, or write them down…or I can put them in an email.’

‘OK, reaching for paper.’
‘I am resilient.’ I wrote that one down.
‘I am a survivor.’
‘I am a survivor. ‘
‘I am brave.’ I also wrote that one down.
We talked about coping mechanisms that are available to me at the moment, and I mentioned that writing in my journal is hard, because it makes the feelings real. But writing it down is easier, because I don’t have to look after anybody else.
‘And paper doesn’t have feelings!’

‘I saw you smirk then.’

‘A glimpse of old Lost.’

R said she wasn’t sure it would be the same, but did I want to do some breathing exercises. I accepted, and she asked how my shoulders were.

‘In a word, concrete.’

We did exercises designed to bring them down from around my ears, and introduce the compassion and support I feel I am missing.
‘Do you want to schedule for the same time next week?’

‘Yes, please.’

‘If you need me sooner, or want to bring the session forward, please reach out. I’m here.’