Two check-ins in one day for me--not a good sign at all. Sorry, But I am just having an awful time making it through this day and I have nobody to talk to, So, here I am again. Sorry!

On further reflection, I guess what this morning portended is what I have previously described as some kind of dysphoria, for lack of a better term. Also, quite agitated. Irritable. Every little thing is annoying and bothering me. Not tooting my horn here, but just kind of a fact--I generally tend to have the patience of Job. So, this is so weird for me. Mind wandering to that place where life seems utterly meaningless and definitely not even remotely worth living. Big fat waste. Don't worry--not suicidal. But, just in terms of my opinion about all this? It seems like a joke, that my life has been and is a joke, and that not existing further would be far, far preferable to more of this sh**. I really have had more than enough for one lifetime.


Dysphoric mania ramping up again? Mixed state? What is the difference? General exhaustion from battling this ongoing psychosis since roughly October? Dunno. Above my pay grade.

Anyway, just feeling tired of the battle today. All day. Did get about 30 seconds of joy when a neighbor toddler came home with his mom and squealed and giggled down the hall noisily. BirdDancer's hummer and lilac or whatever that was--that made me feel good for a little bit. Thanks, BD!! That is certainly worth living for. But I do not have much of that in my life right now.

Need to get outside on that bike, but can't pull myself to do it because I am afraid the next-door neighbor will break into my apt. (again) and go through my shi** as soon as I leave and I just can't have that. Maybe I could set my alarm for, like, 330 in the morning and go then, when he might actually be asleep. That could work.

2 weeks to pdoc. Hope I can make it.