I suffer from some severe form of repressed rage, stemming from trauma following chronic, severe, long term psychological abuse in my childhood by a dangerous parent (now neutralised). Simply put, the traumatism was so ridiculously intense that my body somehow repressed it in a way that my brains has been permeated by some kind of irrationnal belief saying: ''I am not safe. I am not safe. I am NOT SAFE. EMERGENCY. SOS. SOS. SOS... save me please... tell me the danger is gone... reassure me.'' It put my mind in a permanent state of defense, and it's been like that since adolescence (I'm now 32).

Most of the time, especially lately, while my body has entered the processing/evacuation phase of the anger (I quit medication, a.k.a ''emotional pain killers'', in september 2019 after almost 11 years of that and all the other fake solutions that comes from the typical ignorance connected to those kinds of problems, that which I cured with self-education), lately then, I simply can NOT pass one single hour without screaming, yelling, arguing with myself violently and irrepressibly, out loud, and this, ALL THE TIME, practically (the neighbors have complained several times and even threatened to call the authorities because of the noise - i live in an apartment). I cannot walk to the grocery store, which is literally across the street, without having people run away from me because I either shout, become enraged, or otherwise give off a considerable level of aggressiveness, again for ''no apparent reason'' ( to the eyes of the people who witness this, of course). It is in a way that the average psychiatrist, when consulted, responds that they have ''a very hard time, in all honesty, to believe this. Obviously it doesn't make sense to be traumatized by a traumatism, therefore my being surpassed by a problem meaning the problem does not exist, you must just be sick. Here, grab some drug, as if putting a physical pill in your body to solve a non-physical problem that stems itself from a source that is outside your body in the first place, could possibly make sense'' (I trust I don't have to mention that that is what they say implicitely, not explicitely, though it's still pretty much that).

Yes, it's that ridiculous.

Also, when in a time of the day I call ''relative calmness'', meaning when I do not scream or whatever, especially when I read or write, disruptive thoughts make me start talking out loud about what I just learned or synthesize as an information (as I am writing right now, these vociferations interrupt me too. Always.) As if my brain feels the irrepressible need to justify itself to someone else, reconstructing past altercations in scenarios in which I am the dominant, winning, or at least I efficiently defend myself and correct the other person's delinquant behavior) which has actually been the case all my childhood, being incessantly violated in my mental and physical integrity for the sake of satisfying someone else's need for domination, here aforementioned degenerate primate of a step-father needing to distract himself from his own tormenting insecurities - it seems he lacked the ability to resist the urge to persecute a defenseless child that he felt was 1) brighter than he was, 2) the offspring of another man (my biological father, deceased) whom he secretly envied, and 3) to help him out a little, even Nature herself spared him from having to go through countless rejections by women troughout his life, having made him sterile in the first place anyway (he had just one testicle left), while at the same time securing safety for other human beings by thus preventing him to reproduce at all so he doesn't plague us high-potential individuals, with dangerously stupid little versions of himself, also She did this to protect any child, let it be his own, from his inability to take care of them, for cause of being himself afflicted by pathological immaturity, and even then, one can conclude all those measures didn't suffice apparently, since he still ended up having a kid under his responsibility, and oh, matter of fact, look what happened, kid in question turned out to become an enraged considered-to-be-sick man; therefore, it is easy to understand my step-father's frustration - you see the kind of situation here. Let's not break into the societal implications etc; a deplorable problem indeed, but one that yet remains unsolvable if I just don't find a way to win back my dignity to begin with. Also an absolutely debilitating problem, as you can imagine, my brain just seemingly being incapable to break free.

But either I will find a way, either I will make one.

Been studying anger management and everything connected to it, stoicism notably (Seneca, Marcus Aurelius). Unfortunately, everything I have come across as information doesn't cover the problem specifically. All authors studied so far consider anger as a regular intruder, but obviously my case, it seems, is one of exception, from what I deduced by not finding anything specifically focused on this. All the books start from basics that have, say, a step one, but apparently my problem is even more basic than that, starting from before that (step 0 instead of step 1), or else it's this principle that applies, just way, way deeper than that. An animal thing.
I can't ****ing believe this has even happened, as I am writing this. Using writing for its main advantage, instead of orally talking to culprit; it cannot make you look stressed so that the stupid ****ING chimpanzee of an average obese boy-turned-man-but-only-merely-physically, reasons that ''Oh, see, you look stressed, therefore it must mean you're wrong, by association of looking stressed with not being in control to therefore being wrong and worth disregarding, you have nothing to say because you know i'm right in my flawed logic, only my own repressed anger makes me stupidly embody the very mistake I'm projecting on you, which in itself is the one contradiction I can never, and will never, even if told by someone else, come to realize ''.

BTW guys, yes english is not my first language, that's why some technical terms might bot be the right ones. But I think you get it. Actually that's part of the ridiculousness of it all; just finding the right words, even in my own language, has been quite an adventure, let me tell you that. Only that, in itself, is a sign of a serious issue, when even identifying, let alone finding people smart enough to even believe it is even possible (a lot of people find it inconceivable, as seen previously with so-called mental health ''expert'').

Any advice/resources?

Thanks for watching folks,

See you next time,

Your Pal,

YG G