I am praying for you Gasplessy.Losing a parent is a lot to grieve no matter what the situation. I am sorry your family was not able to tell him goodbye.

I am mostly praying that you are able to forgive yourself. You have been doing the best you can. You are a wonderful person. Perhaps you have been going through your "dark night of the soul"--we all have a shadow side that we have to come to terms with by loving it and forgiving it but then also learning to live without fear--sometimes our shadow side carries a lot of fear and shame but we can overcome it. ( YouTube)

I remember that your relationship with your dad is complicated. It will take time to figure out what it all meant. Take time to grieve and come to terms with everything. Everyone has their own timeline but eventually your life will change for the better if you keep on seeking and trying.