Dear ButterToast,

I am really sorry this is happening to you!

Wish I had some wisdom to share about making and keeping friends, but sadly I don't. I sure hope other people have some good ideas!

Something that has helped me with issues regarding friends or lack of them is what a psychologist taught me many years ago. He told me that 99% of the time, people are not hurt by other people but by their 'expectations" about other people. Expectations, he said cause an enormous amount of unhappiness and distress in life. He said that I was "expecting" things to be a certain way and "expecting" people to be a certain way and that these "expectations" were the source of my unhappiness.

This psychologist also told me that "expectations" are a point between "wishes" and "demands." A demand is stronger than an expectation. A wish is weaker. If I "demand" that people and things or situations be a certain way and then they are not that way, it is not them that are hurting me, it is my demands about them that are hurting me. The same for expectations.

He suggested that I try "wishes" instead of expectations and demands. When a wish goes unfulfilled it is not as troubling as when an expectation is not met. It hurts less. It is less painful, he said. I wish I had friends or I wish I had better friends. That is a kind of gentle attitude.

This way of thinking was very new to me. I remember a relative when I was growing up. He was generally unhappy much of the time. Almost anything would make him upset and he had little peace of mind.
I remember he was always saying things like: "people should this" and "people should that" and things "should be this way." As a little boy I thought the world was an awful place for letting my relative down like this for disappointing and aggravating him like this, for making him angry and sad like this.

But this psychologist I have mentioned gave me reason to look at things a bit differently. It was not people and the world that made my relative miserable so much as it was his "expectations" about people and things. I saw that in many ways, he was the cause of his own misery and I was the cause of mine. I was looking at the world through the lens of my expectations.

And this applied to whatever situation I was in regarding friends or lack of friends.

At first, I disagreed very strongly with this psychologist. I told him: "I have a right to my expectations and people should be this way and that way." But he asked me, "what to you want more, to hang on to these expectations of yours which are making you unhappy and taking away your peace and joy of living or would you rather lower your expectations for the sake of your happiness? So I thought about that.

I have been in situations where I was without friends for years and years and situations where I couldn't hang on to friends or where friends were not ideal and I still go through this.

But now this doesn't hurt as much and doesn't rob me of peace or joy of living. I "wish" I had friends or better friends, but I don't expect it. I wish people were more tolerant and less selfish, but I don't expect it. This is the only thing that gives me peace and doesn't steal my joy.

A lot of people I have met are stuck in a certain attitude. I call that attitude: "could be better, but isn't better." They look at others and things and situations and usually think: "could be better, but isn't better." And as a result they are intolerant, aggravated, distressed, angry and sad much of the time.
They don't see that it is their attitude which is causing their distress much of the time. Because there is another way of looking at people and things: "could be worse, but isn't worse." That attitude produces different feelings and moods: appreciation, gratitude, feeling lucky or blessed, joy, peace.

Perhaps your "friends" are those who are stuck in this "could be better, but isn't better attitude." And perhaps that is why they are intolerant of you or shun you.
No one is perfect and everyone has weaknesses and limitations. Friendships cannot survive when one's dominant attitude is "could be better, but isn't better." Perhaps is not that you are pushing people away. It is that people, stuck in the "could be better" attitude are failing to appreciate and treasure all the good in you. Or that is part of it.

These days I have more friends and better friends than I used to have. I think it is because I appreciate individuals more. I treasure them. I look for the good in them and overlook their faults. I don't burden them with my expectations. Instead of pointing out their flaws, I try to compliment the good in them and their strengths.

This is not a "technique" for me. I don't "pretend" these things to make friends or keep them. I have honestly changed and become or am striving to become a person who is tolerant and has low expectations. Friendship is just an added blessing. There was an ancient Chinese sage who said: "I find good people good and I find bad people good if I am able to be good enough myself." There is some truth in that, I think.

The psychologist I saw did not teach me any "techniques" for making or keeping friends. He taught me ways of having more peace and joy of living in my life regardless of situations in my life. But that seemed to help with issues of friendship as a side effect.

Now maybe I am wrong about this and about everything I have written. I am often wrong about things and I could quite easily be wrong about this too. I can only share what has helped me personally in the full knowledge that what helps one person might be totally inappropriate or wrong for someone else.

I do hope you find what helps you with regards to friendships. I also hope that others here on the PsychCentral Forums will have better ideas and more helpful thoughts for you than mine!

Sincerely yours, -- Yao Wen