I think it's great that you arrived at a point where you can recognize your own intelligence. When I was teaching young children the one thing I wanted to help them with the most is not so much about the riding, but more about their discovering their own intelligence. I only had them for an hour once a week, so, I made the best of that hour with each child. I would think about what I was observing while I began working with each child and I would plan my lessons around what I felt that child would respond to the best and they were all different.

My goal when I was teaching was to have their lesson end with them walking away from my ring feeling good about themselves. It did not matter to me how fast they learned or how perfect they were either. What mattered to me the most is how they all learned to recognize how they can conquer their fears and that by trying and doing as I guided them along, they actually slowly conquered how to do more and more. That child may not continue with the riding, may not ever become some master at riding either. That was not important, what was important was how their experience learning how to ride contributed to their also learning about how they learned and felt good as they gained more and more skills.

The other thing I taught each child was to learn to respect the pony they were riding. I taught them that they needed to think about the pony and how what she was doing for them was something she had to learn how to do and that each time they rode her she too was learning how to be there for them while they learned. This was a part of teaching them to develop empathy instead of expecting that pony to just go along with things like an object that doesn't have feelings and needs. The children had to learn that they were not sitting on a bike or swing, but something alive with feelings and needs too. They got to learn about what "personality" meant too because the pony definitely had a personality. It was important each child not only learned how to be happy about learning, but to also learn to appreciate and think about the pony too. It's a foundation to learning how to recognize the needs of others too. So in effect, it's about learning how to feel good about "self" and at the same time also learning about being "caring" too. Also, to learn about "appreciation" and "respect".

A lot of the time I had riding shoes and riding pants and different helmets that other children out grew. That gave me a chance to show these children something else. It gave me a chance to help them learn how things other children had and outgrew could help them have these things to wear and use too, "sharing". These children often started with me at around age 5. A very important age for a child to learn all of what I am sharing with you to build a good foundation that can actually last a lifetime.

The pony I found and put a lot time into so I could teach these very young children most definetly did have a personality rdgrad. This pony was a lot like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Her personality was "Weeeeell OOOOK". Kinda lazy but always went along with things you wanted of her. LOL, this pony would see the bridle and she knew she would be expected to do things. As soon as she saw the bridle she would literally roll her eyes and begin to yawn. I taught her to understand the word for what she was doing when she did that, and she began to understand the word meant what she was doing when she rolled her eyes and yawned. It was so funny rdgrad. It was great because I could show children how ponies and horses really do have PERSONALITIES. Actually I don't know what I enjoyed more, the parent's reactions when they saw this or the child's reaction. Also, what this pony did was provide children with something to share and talk about with their parents too. It's different than seeing some character in a book or a movie, instead it was a real living animal with a real personality and ability to be a real little friend too. So, I would say to the pony "Snickers are you tired are you going to YAWN?" And sure enough Snickers would hear me say that and she would roll her big eyes and Yawn and Yawn. It was so funny rdgrad.

I wanted children to learn that it was not JUST about getting on and taking over and thinking about this pony as some kind of object which would be objectifying. But instead learning to recognized something much more important, "the value of another life" and what it means to "recognize feelings in others". Part of what I was teaching these young children was "understanding emotions". One of the things this pony was sensitive about was when it came time to put on the saddle and pull the girth around her to keep the saddle on. We used to call it "grouchy time" because she always pinned her ears back and sometimes nipped at the post I tied her to when grooming her and getting her ready. I explained to each child WHY she was grouchy like this too. I explained to each of them that before I got her someone only looked at her as an object and when they put that saddle on they did not do it nice, but instead did it quick and pulled it too tight too fast pinching the pony each time. I explained to the children that it was not her fault, that someone was rough with her a lot and now she thinks that is what it will be like so we need to not be mean to her, but work around it. This was helping children learn that not all behaviors mean a pony is bad, but more about how a pony was treated badly. I wanted to teach children that a lot of people don't know how to be nice and how I wanted them to learn how to be different and be "nice". I wanted the children to learn how to be "caring".

When I read what you share rdgrad, how your father hit you and encouraged you to have fear, how that teacher was such a lousy teacher and you grew convinced you are not good at math? What you are sharing is individuals who did not know about "emotions and caring" and instead "objectified". It's no wonder you struggle with panic attacks and anxiety related issues. And yet, you are a nice person despite that history, and that's just how my little pony was too. And my pony never got over being sensitive when it came time to pull the girth around her belly so the saddle would stay on her back. She more than made up for that because of how patient she was with all the different children that spent time with her. Especially with children that had significant challenges and special needs. This pony with her Eeyore personality that went along with anything I asked her too touched so many lives during her life. She would stand very quietly while parents would slowly bring a wheelchair with their very challenged child up to her and lift this child onto her back and both parents would be on each side of this pony holding that child up so he could experience what it felt like to ride a pony. This pony would visit him until his brain disease finally took his life. Yet, this child got to experience what it was like to ride a pony and his parents got to see him SMILE. What so many people do not know is that in order for that to be able to happen, the pony had to be pretty patient and amazing and have the "personality" that made that child's experience with his parents "possible".

One thing I never lost sight of was how amazing and valueable that pony really was. That pony was such a big part of how I touched so many lives in so many ways. And after that pony helped me teach what I felt was so valueable and helped me create that confident happy child that walked away after spending time with me and this pony, I always knelt down on my knees and kissed this pony and let her know how much I loved her and appreciated what she did for me that day.

Unfortunately, there are people that tout their education, their titles, and their sense of superiority and do not have any idea the true value of what I did or why that pony was so important and so valueable. These individuals often decide that if you don't sit in some classroom and get some good grade and attain some important title that you don't really have much knowledge and intelligence or are worthy of respect. It's pretty much the same attitude as that teacher that had such a bad attitude and convinced you to believe you are not so good at math. I don't believe you can't learn math, what I do believe is you don't learn math when someone is teaching it to you with a "bad attitude". Not only in that teacher, but also in your father who was in fact a horrible father who chose to hit you too many times. It's pretty damn amazing that you were able to discover you ARE in fact intelligent despite that awful history. Sigh...what saddens me is the anxiety you experience that's just like that very special truely amazing pony was left with because she had been "objectified" instead of appreciated for how really special she was.