I know you say you're not depressed, but are you sure you're not? You've been crying, wanting to SH, and taking ambien to deal with mood drops. I know personally that when I am depressed, sometimes the depression doesn't heighten until later in the day (typically the afternoon and nighttime). However, it is certainly possible you're just stressed out instead. I don't know which one it is, but I still kind of wonder if you're depressed, even if it's a low-grade depression?

I know that dealing with quarantine really sucks, and I fully understand your fear of getting sick. I'm the same way. However, I think you need some coping mechanisms to help with your SH thoughts in the moment. What have you tried to distract yourself with?

I am by no means encouraging SH, but people who feel they cannot control their impulses will grab ice from the freezer and squeeze it really hard. Other people draw on themselves with a red marker to mark where they would have SH'ed. However, I strongly do *NOT* recommend letting yourself get to that point. I think the ice and marker things should be used as an absolute last resort. But I'm just pointing out that those are options you can do when you feel you absolutely cannot control the impulses.