Quote:
Originally Posted by HereForAFriend
Because abusers don't have in their mind the clear intention of abusing, or at least, I know I'm not trying to be, yet it still happens, as the name suggests, as a reaction.
.. the solutions to working out that abusive part in your personality, not talking to him\getting as far away as possible from the person you're abusing can hurt him as much too, as he is suffering from extreme lonliness and depression and already distrusts me and if I do so it'll just set it in stone once and forever in his mind that I want the worst for him, which I don't,
this thread\article paints it as if no matter how sorry you can be and if you do realize your actions, there's still nothing you can do about it, (
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Abusers often know they're abusing. If you're being reactive, what's the threat? This thread isn't suggesting that an abusive person is just reacting to a person and not intending to be abusive. It's saying that when a person reacts FROM ABUSE, the abusers use their victim's reactions as reason to why there's problems in their relationship. It's a blame game. The abuser never holds accountability for his/her action. They get a "high" from the power/control they gain from their victim. It's like a drug.
Some suggestions:
Step 1: Acknowledge there is a problem and that the problem is yours; don't make excuses and don't blame.
Step 2: Come up with a plan when you're both at baseline. Discuss a common language you can both use when either of you recognize a problem is brewing. It could be as simple as, "Time out".. or "It's happening again".. and step away for 20 minutes. Set a timer if you have to and avoid texting. It takes the body about 20minutes to recover.
Step 3: Recognize your body's symptoms that tell you you're off baseline (rising temperatures, heart racing, rapid thoughts, fisting, etc). Tell your partner how you experience these symptoms.
Step 4: Make a list of triggers together. Know ahead of time what's setting you off and investigate its root.
Step 5: Debrief. When you return, discuss how things went with you.. your own feelings and behaviours and why you needed to step away. Offer reassurance to your partner and empathy for how he's feeling.
Sorry isn't just a word fueled by guilt and shame. It's a word that acknowledges a wrong doing with a course of action to suggest it won't happen again. No one is asking for perfection. Most importantly, be honest with yourself. A lie is a lie and victimizing yourself will never bring forth any resolution. It just gives you power and control.
If your partner is depressed and isolated, due to your own behaviours, do him a favour and let him go. Do your own healing without him. He may be glad that you did, eventually.