Maybe to solve this problem, I have to not feel sorry for me. Then no one else will.

But I'd have to be crazy to do that. And everyone is just like me. But I don't want to pretend. People are fake. That's the problem.

I try to find such deeper meanings in everything.. Yet I also have a persona that is the complete opposite.. Like a dissociative one to protect myself.

It's really ****ed up. But kind of interesting if I really think about it. Maybe everyone is like this. The depressed people can see hope and have gratitude more than normal people yet so sad or numb. The manics are delusional and can't feel any sadness. What happiness is is dissociation from sadness. But really deep down when I'm high I still feel low.

That's why ketamine works so well for depression. It's a dissociative..

Who am I then? And jim carey asked this question about himself and is very spiritual.. An actor of many personas..

"Jim Carrey became violent when he was 16 due to family troubles. The actor has admitted to suffering from bipolar disorder and depression which have motivated him to do comedy."

And Robin Williams had bipolar and was a comedian.

I wrote a really long post before the one before this but I deleted it because it was too nuts.. Too painful.. ****..