This Risperdal/Ativan increase isn't helping at all with the agitation. It did help with the voices, but I'm still hypomanic. I'm starting to think Risperdal isn't working out for me, which is scary because I go back to work in a month and I don't want to be fiddling with meds at that time. Why the **** can't I just find a ****ing med without making things worse. I wish I knew what would work. I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts. I haven't been stable at all this year and it's probably my worst yet even though I'm handling it better than I previously would. That's good, that's what the goal was in IOP, but I don't want to just handle things, that's going to make for a ****** life. I'm sick of bouncing my ****ing leg but I can't stop it because I have too much ******* energy and for a minute yesterday it abated after I went on a walk/run for an hour, but I can't do that RIGHT NOW because my hair is wet and it's cold out so I have to wait for my ******* hair to dry and it's just not a good time in my head right now. I punched the wall in the shower and I shouldn't have even taken the shower even though I needed it. I'm going to go journal the **** out of this and there's going to be so many scratches and swears and illegible writing it's going to be so cathartic.