I never really started getting manic symptoms until after I was diagnosed, which seems a little weird. I was 20 at the time and my therapist was 100% convinced I was having a full-blown manic episode, but deep down I don't think that was the case. I didn't start having "serious" manic symptoms until I was around 23, when it was hitting me every few months for a month at a time.

What if I was just really happy? I have ADHD and can be really hyper and have pressured speech, which is the symptom that people most notice when I'm "up".

Can I psych myself into having diagnosable hypo/manic episodes? I've been hospitalized for these symptoms and told by the two best doctors in the state that it's mania, but I think I've just been playing it up this whole time. There's no way I could actually have this disorder, I don't really see it that much in my earlier years.

As of now, I haven't had that same extreme elevated mood in over a year now and it's easy for me to get caught up in this line of thought. I wasn't questioning it back then, but after being able to miss meds and sleep for consecutive days without having my mood shoot up, I don't know. Antidepressants don't seem to trigger me either. They do nothing to me.

Most doctors I've seen have diagnosed me with either NOS or type 1, but if anything I wanna say I'm type 2. Even the supposed psychotic symptoms I've experienced could have just been an overactive mind.

I just get depression, and not even severely. Sometimes it's bad enough I get hospitalized, but most of the time I just sulk in sadness with low energy for months. The elevation, when it happens, is totally random and can hit me at any time of the year. There's no set pattern. No identifiable triggers, nothing.

I know I've posted a lot about this, but I need to get this out there. I don't expect anyone here can tell me what I do or don't have, but just typing out my worries helps. Thanks for reading, if you did.