Excuse the vent...

tonight has been so hard. I havent a clue how it started off but Ive been wanting to lash out all night. I just couldn't control the angry feelings inside me. Phil kept trying to calm me down... and it worked until he started being immature. Usually I just ignore him when hes like that, but it kept setting me off.... I told him to stop and he asked why... and I mentioned that it was working me up and he just went "for God's sake".

I feel well guilty when I get like this. I Keep telling myself that he doesnt have to put up with it all n he deserves better.
It makes me dead sad, like he's stuck with me n just having to 'put up with it'. He says he understands put I can see his frustration sometimes...

To get to the point of why Im writing.

After tonight I went home, went into the bathroom and just flipped out. I remember thinking that the only thing thats going to help me right now was cutting. It was like I was two people at the same time. I was looking in the mirror crying, one side of me forcing me to do it, going "your gunna have to do it megan" even tho I dont want to, and the other side screaming back "No, Im scared! I hate myself for doing this etc etc"

if that makes any sense!!!

anyway, I ran a bath to calm me down a bit, then ended up talking to my dad n felt realy comforted. We dont really talk anymore coz hes always drunk but it helped. I dont really wanna do it anymore, I dont think, but Im not gunna go bed until Im sure. Its like Im scared to be with myself. I just had a weak moment. I think this is the longest time I havent SI'd for ages

I keep overdosing on paracetamol n stff aswell. Not alot, but the last two times Ive just taken 5 at a time. I think its because Im not cutting, Im using that as a substitute, but I dont know.

Im a bit of a mess at the moment, coud anyone suggest something to help?? Anything would do really, I just feel so down right now and I m tired n I wanna go bed, but I cant

Thanks for listening
babyg xxx