I don't know what happened.

This horrible thing happened to me when I was 14. I'm 32 now. That thing has killed me inside every second of every day. It's caused anxiety, depression, drug abuse, criminal activity, and endless lies to keep it hidden, usually lies help me hide its reality. Like, this thing...if it pops up and I get mad and break something, I lie about why I broke it.

I've been in therapy forever and this thing has NEVER come up. I've never, ever talked about it to ANYONE. I avoid it, ignore it, anything. Never told God about it, never journaled about it...….it has NEVER been slightly expressed AT ALL.

A day or so ago, though, I had been awake for 26 hours, snorting insane amounts of cocaine, and aha! bright idea...i'm alright. my dude is alright. I'll talk about the "thing" with him. And I did....kind of...even in my whacked out state out of mind, I told him about it......too much of it. way too much. We didn't have any more drugs and he went to sleep....

I started losing my mind. I was okay. Watching TV. Telling myself to go to sleep. Then I thought, getting a little fresh air would help me relax. I went on the back porch. Dog starts talking to me. I knew he wasn't, but I just kept hearing him and having a conversation with him. I heard myself talking to him, and said I'm crazy, but I just kept talking. Kinda suicidal but afraid to attempt it and fail. Dogs can sense that stuff. Demand the dog tell me if I'm going to kill myself. He won't answer. I go in the house, the whole walk to the bedroom, I'm having a discussion with the cat (I don't remember at all what that was about) wake up my boyfriend. Demand that he go have a talk with the dog and tell him to answer my question. He laughed. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I'm can't relax or stop crying unless he goes and talks to the dog. He realizes I'm not joking. Starts telling me to sleep. I feel like I'm free falling and going mad and I hate it but I'm scared to come back. Literally feels like if I sleep, the house will crumble down on me.

The Internet sucks. I can't find out anything. I'm pretty sure I experienced a reactive psychotic break.....even though it only lasted a few hours. I know psychosis can be triggered by drugs, sleep deprivation....but I've done that before and it never affected me like that. Was it a deadly combination?

That trauma thing.....could it have been the absolute WORST time to try to deal with it...….?? And what do I do now? I'm so scared.