I wish I wasn't even alive. I feel like my life is ruined and won't improve.

I have no self-harm thoughts. I never do. I just feel awful. I'm not taking care of my s.o. properly. I'm ashamed to admit that to anyone. I'm afraid to send him to a nursing home because of COVID. I wish I was dead.

He keeps out-living every prognosis the doctors give. The end of January, the doctors said a matter of weeks to maybe a few months. They said that in May of 2018. Last Easter I took him out to a beautiful Easter brunch. It was expensive, but I believed it was our last Easter together.

He's not enjoying much anymore. Now, due to COVID, I am alone with him 24/7. He has slept in his chair most of today. He hardly talks to me. Just stares at the TV. He has dementia and has trouble finding his words. He's been restless at night, keeping me up. He wakes me before dawn. Being in this small apartment with him is horrible. The place is a mess. All kind of medical equipment strewn around. I need help. But we can't let anyone in.

I need help. I'm getting worse and worse mentally. And I blame myself that I don't just get up and clean the place . . . and shower him and cook something. I don't even shower myself or hardly brush my teeth. Plus I get mad at him for one thing or another. But I stay in a different room to cry because he will get mad if I cry in front of him.

Maybe if I take more pills and then get in the shower.

I thought my life would get more normal when he was gone. Now with this pandemic, even the distant future looks dark . . . like I have nothing to look forward to. This is so unfair. I know there's other people who are going through worse. I don't have what it takes to rise to the challenge. I feel so bad at what I'm becoming.