Thank you both. I am heartened that you've responded.

Yes, it is true that I would feel much better, if I did pick up, even just somewhat. Yesterday, after my pills kicked in, I got 80% of the kitchen mess cleaned up, and I did feel better - much better. Then I cooked dinner. We ate. Then I was too tired and sore to clean up the new mess in the kitchen. Plus he didn't feel good and needed to be put to bed. Then I didn't want to make noise in the kitchen. He sleeps in a hospital bed in the small living room. It's a "galley kitchen" right next to the living room. But I got some of it done. Then I was weary. I woke up today to a sink full of dishes. (No dishwasher.) Every morning the living room has, as it's center piece, an unmade hospital bed. He needs so much hands-on care (incontinence, mobility impaired, etc.)(plus breathing treatments.) And I'm always behind. He's overdue to be shaved. I'm not having any attendant in because I'm afraid. It's an option - sure. But who wants to take that risk? I've always dreaded respiratory illness. I think it's the worst way to die . . . slowly suffocating. People younger and healthier than I are in ICUs now on ventilators, due to COVID. That's how easy it can happen. So I can't let anyone in to do some of the work. Mainly I used them as "sitters," so I could go out and walk around some store and pick out a nice smelling candle or a good book and just stroll without worrying about him for a couple of hours. So COVID affected my guy and me more than the average household where members are healthy. (I totally realize that ours is not the worse of situations.)

I did call a "crisis line" and talk to a counselor for a good chunk of time. I was not at risk for self-harm, but I asked to be listened to because I was becoming hysterical, and my bf is unable to handle consoling me in that state. Right now, being with him is worse than being alone would be. So the conversation with the counselor helped me to stop sobbing, but I was still awful down. Then I took some pills. Then I saw that two P.C. members were kind enough to read my post and leave encouragement, and that really pulled me up over the awful hump. Seeing the responses was very reassuring. Acknowledging them has focused my mind, while I've waited for the pills to kick in . . . which they have, better than I was expecting.

Fuzzy, your dancing bear is the most poignant GIF (or whatever u call that) online because of the sensitive way you insert her just when and where she is needed. The gentle positivity of her encouraging hula transcends words. I know she is your spirit leaving the cave to offer comfort, humbly and sweetly.

Thank you, divine, for saying nice things to me when I'ld gotten in despair from hearing all the hard things I've said to myself. Your post was a real surprise to me.

Now, before my Vicodin and Ritalin wear off, I will take a shower, brush my teeth and go get "take out" for supper. Not cleaning any pans or pots tonight. I told him it will be take out for the next few days, till I restore some order to this apartment.

Thanks for helping me.