where to start .
im 35 male and i was an addict for the most of my life , im clean for 5 years now and i had professional therapy and still do and everything was great , i even went voluntarily to AA meetings to proove to my self im in total control .

having a job was going all find and i worked behind the bar again with all the alcohol and dont even think about drinking ( i wasn't much of a drinker in the first place , i was into heavier things ) i let go off all my bad relationships with the people who were a bad influence on me , i realized how strong i can be , i was in control of my life again to the point i was ready to be in a healthy relationship again , i had a new prespective on life .

and i met this girl , a good girl , maybe too young for me but i liked her (20 years old ) we been in harmony for almost a year , and then she had to travel to see her family in russia on feb , now she cannot return to me because of the pandemic , and this been going for weeks now and still more to go , and few days ago she said she want to stop communicating because she cannot deal with the distance .

i understand that because of her age shes not ready to commit in that way , im okay with that , but now i feel so sad and angry about it i want to destroy my self again , maybe its the home stay thing but i dont understand why im feeling this way i was always stronger than emotions , and i learned how to be in control of my feelings , im afraid i will be taking pills again or find my way back to drugs , im so scared of what my mind may dectate to me ! i dont feel so in control any more , could this girl have this much effect on my mental state ??? or this is all because of the quarantine ?? im home everyday all day and im alone in the appartment and i talk to no one , only phone or social media , i was never this weak , i dont understand why im feeling this way or why im thinking about getting high again .

my therapist will only discuss this on a paid session which is not available anytime soon !!and i cant share this with friends or family they wont understand .

PLEASE ADVICE