I took another Vicodin. I brushed my teeth and gums with salt. It helped my mouth. Toothaches can be fixed. That's what dentists are for. I see mine regularly. I'm just embarrassed at my self-neglect.

The hospice nurse told me to give my bf an Ativan tonight. I did. Now he seems pretty sick. His cough sounds so congested.

I've striven so hard to give him good care for the past few years. I did most of it myself because his care is best when I do it. That's not egoism. Anyone nursing a family member can likely say the same thing. I'm not young. I knew it might get to be too much for me. I tapped in to all resources, so that I'ld have help when that day came. I got out of the VA system all there is to get. Same with Medicaid "Home and Community Waiver Benefit." Same with "hospice." I had a home attendant from each of those 3 systems lined up. I used them just enough to keep the benefits alive for the day when I might really need them. Attendants liked coming here. I'ld have the bedside care already done and ask little of them. Just to stand by while I went out to the store. They could just sit and watch TV with him. Last week I released them from coming over because of the risk of COVID. From March, 2019, until Xmas, 2019, I had no attendants and did all the care myself. Now when I'm becoming unable to cope - physically and mentally - the attendants are dangerous to let in because of the virus. Now, going to a nursing home is so dangerous. It's so cruel for this Corona thing to come along now and take away the options I thought would be there went he approached the end. I earned the help that I was going to use only when absolutely necessary, after doing so much on my own for so long. This is so unfair. I totally realize that there are thousands of stories across the nation of people adversely impacted by Corona, lots far more pitiable than mine.