Thank you everyone, it really means a lot to have your replies and kind words.

I know it will just take me time and it's a personal journey. (I will try to find that book Yaowen!). Not least because I have to learn a life without this person who's been in it forever!

Today I actually feel sad but calm about it all because I really do think I tried my best and if that's not enough, then that's his perception. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me for flaws and all.

I have reached out to some family and friends, I was worried in the beginning to do this, as it felt shameful and they have known and loved him for so long too. But each one has been most supportive I just wish I could see them and get a physical hug during this pandemic.

I totally feel your pain WormholeWizard - I am trying to limit contact with him because there is a difference between needing comfort from the person you relied on before, and reconnecting together. I don't want him to use me for comfort and give me false hope so I'm trying to protect myself. But on the other hand you are right, I do need to stay in touch and not push him away further. How tricky!

I definitely agree with you Open Eyes because I feel for years he has had this feeling on lack of fulfilment in adult life, he rejects responsibility where he can and he has never done anything about finding fufullment (he's considered new hobbies, creative outlets, changing jobs but never actually done anything to go about them). I'm lucky that my career is my passion and I have tried to find a good work life balance.

Sorry if my tags for you all have not worked, I'm not really a poster on forums but am finding a great deal of comfort from you all - you're all amazing for sharing your stories, even though they are full of pain, they are also messages of hope and healing.

Much love
xx