He is my boyfriend.

Thank you for the suggestion of writing it down and destroying the paper. I must be really bad messed up, because as profoundly wise as that is, I can't do it. The thing inside me isn't "too horrible" to let out....I'm not a murderer or rapist or anything. It's too painful. And it's way, way beyond my emotional ability to cope...…..I cannot bring myself to let it outside in any way, even in reasonably safe ways....like writing it, destroying it, anonymously sharing it online......I cannot tell anyone in my life.....not a friend, not my mom, no one. I've tried to tell my dog, but I just, can't. I can't tell a therapist or a doctor. This thing...it's WAY too painful. I spent a year or so as a very devout Christian and I could never even bring myself to tell God. I've kept a journal for years and never a single written word about it. I know it's killing me, endlessly torturing me, and ruining my life...….but......I just cannot talk about it. It hurts that freaking bad.

I've run circles around it a million times, but never...….

Geez...….I can't even say it out loud when I'm alone.....I know if I was the last human on the planet, I still couldn't say it or write it.

What is happening to me?

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel really stupid. And pathetic. And I'm starting to feel angry about it.