I'm not sure if it is ptsd or what but I know I have to own up to all of my memories..to all of my grief..to my past. When I was 15 I was in a car accident with my grandmother..she was like a second mother to me..she was my best friend..I loved her so much. Sorry I derailed..I was in a car accident with her and she died due to injuries from the wreck..I watched her die..I watched her gasp for air and the guilt in her eyes for hurting me. I don't rember to much..I can't and I can't even rember details..just that I was 15 and how much pain I saw her in. All the doctors lied to me..all the officers lied to me..all the emts lied to me..filled me with false hope. I know I can't live like this forever...all these things have been eating away at me and I feel like I will explode if I don't put them down..I could write in my journal..but I need some comfort and notebook pages aren't great at giving it. I think I will be joining everyone here if that is okay..I don't know where else to turn..and I though this was the most approbiate place because I have more past events I need to deal with that I avoid like the plague...that I avoid anything that reminds me of them..I haven't said my grandmother's name in three years..I can't.