I deeply hate one of the lecturers I had at varsity. It seems that she didn't like me for some reason and I could never figure out what exactly that reason was. It wouldn't even have been an issue if she was just some random person but as she was the head of my major subject I wanted to interact with her and learn from her.

Before I dropped out, I tried to contact her to come to a peaceful resolution through discussion because I figured maybe we just misunderstood each other, but she ignored my communications multiple times. I understand that she is always busy, but she didn't ignore similar communications from other students. All the other students got along well with her and liked her - so it had to something with me.

There wasn't anything romantic, sexual or illegal going on - so I really don't understand her behaviour. At this point in my life I've come to the conclusion that she just didn't like me as a person, but it bothers me every day. I want to know what I did wrong, because if I don't know I can't learn from it.

I'm sure I don't even cross her mind at all, but I think about her daily because I did end up dropping out three times and I feel like a failure. I see her standing there telling me that she never liked me because she knew I would be a failure, telling me that she could see it in the way I walked or dressed or spoke, so she never wasted time on me because she somehow knew. Then I get angry and my thoughts turn aggressive. Just sitting here writing about this makes me sweat.

I'm unemployed but still working towards the career I studied for, I didn't choose to study it on a whim and it means everything to me, but it's much harder now. Every time I struggle with a problem or fail to find a solution I hear her telling me I should quit because I don't have what it takes. And she's not the only voice there, she's just one of the loudest ones.

I wish I had clarity on the situation, and I despise her for denying me that clarity and the chance to learn from it.

I know this is a "me" problem and not a "her" problem. I know hating her doesn't help me in any way. I know I have control over my reactions to thoughts and feelings, but I don't control what those thoughts and feelings are, or when they come up and they're overwhelming me daily.

How can I get over this? How can I get back to a point where I don't hear these kinds of voices anymore?