My mother passed away last Wednesday after a year and three month battle with pancreatic cancer. I felt relieved at first. Services were made quickly, and lots of family and friends came around and showed support. The memorial service and funeral went beautifully. Now I’m dealing with the aftermath. I’ve missed her even when she was alive... everything feels like a blur. There’s a wrenching in my gut. My head feels fuzzy. I’m quite young to be experiencing all of this. She was taken young, too. I’ve reached acceptance in the fact that I never denied her condition, and I know that she is gone from her physical presence. It doesn’t make me feel better necessarily, however she is no longer in pain.

This grief hits hard sometimes. This is my first major loss in my life and quite honestly I hate that there was nothing to do to prepare for grief. It’s a “walk on water or drown” situation. I feel thrown in the middle of it. I feel alone. I feel empty. Numb. Sadness. Sometimes anger. Sometimes overwhelmed by anxiety. What does my future hold? This is my new normal? It’s all new to me and so much has changed yet stayed the same.

To make the stress worse the pandemic really has me freaked, not for myself but for my family and friends who may not fight off the virus as easily as I could. Planning a funeral around the virus sucked, too. A lot of family / friends elected not to go for health concerns. That is fine by me, of course. I’m not angry at people’s decisions for their health.

I’m not really looking for advice. Or to be told how I should be or shouldn’t be feeling, or to be informed that the worse is yet to come. I’m just simply acknowledging how I feel.... I miss her. I’m aching and growing and healing.