Okay AG, first, you DO deserve Kudos, look at yourself now...you pulled through with no permanent damage to yourself or anyone else, right? You kept reaching out to this support community and received the encouragement, support, TLC and human contact you needed at that time, right? And while I must confess that I did not see your post, "The Monster", I did read many others, and you DID have a hint of a sense of humor. If it will help, I'll go back to each one that I can find and point it out. And in the worst possible moments of that horrible cycle...you never stopped caring about yourself and others. I think that's indicative of a person who's really making an effort and that IS Fabulous! You never gave up. You never just tossed in the towel and said F@#! It! Look, I realize that as the person who actually experienced that nightmarish cycle, it's difficult for you to see the good, the positive or anything *right* about that whole experience. But I, as someone who can relate, who's been in that exact same place and knows how stinkin' awful it actually is, can say with absolute certainty, you did Fabulous and you deserve Kudos. You *cannot* allow yourself to ever ever forget, we have no choice with these moods! It IS a chemical imbalance that we have no control over. Yes, we have meds to ease the extremity of it all, but we are still *afflicted* with BP. What we do have a choice about...how we are going to handle those moods, those cycles, our behavior, actions and attitudes. You cannot control this thing anymore than trying to control the moon. You *will* have ups and you *will* have downs. So stopping hogging all the guilt and shame and self-loathing and just give yourself a little bit of damn credit, okay? (I say that with the utmost love, Sweetie). I'm here for you AG, I care about you...as I said in the previous post to Niemand, I've been reading this forum for a while anonymously, I feel like I've come to know you a bit and I think your sweet and funny. TgrsPurr.