He doesn't physically harm us at all. There's been a few questionable aggressions towards our 3 year old in the form of grabbing her or withholding her against her will. When I addressed it with him, he normalized it.

The way he uses our daughter is by putting ideas in her head against me. He's called me "crazy", "mean", "suspicious", etc, and at one point I got physical with him because of it. He kept using these labels to the point I felt defeated. The labels weren't for me, either, but for our daughters and his sister next door to "know about". I kept telling him to stop and finally I snapped. I opened the front door and leaned into him to get him out the door. Of course it backfired. The girls got scared over my unusable behaviour, and dad shouted, "That's physical abuse! Get your hands off me!" Etc.. "proof" that I'm the "abuser" to the neighbours. When we spoke later, he didn't deny that the labels against me were for his sister and daughters, at all.

It really bothers him that my daughter tells me she loves me, so many times in a day. Yesterday she told me she loves me more than dad. For a long time, she wouldn't even tell him she loved him, and in fact, would tell me she didn't like him anymore. Really sad and I've never managed to get an explanation as to why. Of course I talked with her about saying so in front of him. It's hurtful for anyone on the receiving end to hear that. Poor little girl. She's closing up and doesn't know what to make of everything.

I think he's trying to sabotage her view of me so he can become her "favourite". He's competitive and has admitted so. He thinks his mom and sister think I'm better than he, and explained why. There's history there that has nothing to do with me. He also says that his image is hugely important to him. So I get the impression he's been sabotaging my relationship with them so they can think lesser of me.. or not get to know me at all. The stories are thick, truly. The worst part is, his family are neighbours of ours. We live in a community where everyone knows each other. Our jobs are in walking distance away. So I'm really stuck and alone.

After reading about Reactive Abuse, I'm able to see him differently. Due to this Covid19, I'm taking the girls out for daily walks without him. He has to work from home until noon so it works out well. My focus is to enjoy my girls and help maintain their innocence. When he's free, I take some time for myself to keep the peace within my heart and not allow him to get to me. Luckily we have a dog and lots of parks in walking distance.

Wouldn't you know it though, now I've been accused of giving up on our "family" and am asked if I have "met someone new". I told him I was "no longer going to continue with these conversations because it's not healthy". I'm not at all getting sucked into it anymore. So he practically fell apart by the seams.. or at least wanted me to believe so, via text... and I completely disengaged.

He also says that in order for us to "repair" our "family" we ned to spend "as much time together as possible". I interpreted that as, "I'm really insecure about what you're doing now, so I need you to be around me at all times." His insecurities are based in me no longer participating in his game. No, I haven't met anyone else. Yes, I have been social with others during my walks (he asked).. harmless chatter, 6feet apart with other dog walkers (male and female), and people I know from the community. He looked uncomfortable knowing that which was when his suspicions came forward.

He's uncomfortable when I take the dog for a walk alone? What does 'he' do when he's walking the dog? Again, his behaviours are pinned on me so if he thinks I've met someone else, then maybe he hasn't always been loyal to me. I'm not concerned he's had an affair but he does target vulnerable women in our neighborhood. He has put feelers out there. I won't get into further details around that but the guilty one is not me.

So, maybe I should start dressing nicer and put on some lipstick.. be by myself more often (when I can't be with the girls). Maybe I should reignite my self-esteem and let his BS roll off my back. I wonder where he'll take it then.

Again, I'm unable to leave right now. If I do, his pattern of behaviours will create anxieties for my girls and I can't image them being away from me for a few days and be on some visitation schedule. I'm not ready for the NPD-like drama that will undoubtedly slap me hard from all angles. I'm hugely concerned about the "stories" my girls will be hearing from his circle, once I'm out. I worry about my professional reputation, as we work for the same company within our neighborhood. There's a lot that prevents me from leaving right now.

I'm actually scared of reacting to anything now, and not because of a black eye, but because of the campaign smearing that's already begun. The only solution I know of is to disassociate from him altogether. Be a "single mom" in this relationship and just focus on the girls. Either way, they'll be affected. I don't want to pull the rug out from under them just yet. Sad, I know.

Thanks for the tip. It's a reminder. In this situation, I really don't think it'll make an ounce of a difference though. Even in court. He's not physically assaulting us so he will, at the very least, get joint custody.

Sorry for the long rant.