{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm not exactly in the best of shape. Sunday night I tried an "experiment" where I took ALOT of meds....mixed them up, all diff kinds. I didn't care whether I woke up or not - if I did, then I knew that wasn't enough for next time.

What triggered it is the fact that my son is going to be gone Sat. from the middle of the afternoon, overnight, till Sunday afternoon. I had signed him up for Scouts (he's a Wolf) and this is the first trip......I had figured on having my husband go with him to watch out for him and reassure him. But when I called, they said that they had enough adults going - so Alex would be going alone - without either of us being there. First time it would happen........the thought scared me so badly.

Alex would be away from me, and I'd be here with him in the house.........not a good thing. I didn't want to inflict my terror on Alex and we talked about the trip. He wanted to go, the only thing holding him back was "missing Mom"......so, I did my utmost to persuade him to go - pointed out all the advantages of being with his friends, looking at a cool submarine, etc. - all the time with my stomach in knots. I did say that if it was for more than overnight, I would have definitely said no, but I didn't want him to miss out going because of me. He agreed to go. I called the scout master and told him about Alex's fear and I got him to let my husband go along as well. This solved some of my fears and Alex was more comfortable. But........I will be here alone for that time period. Hence, my experiment.

I woke up Monday feeling beyond horrible. On my way to my pdoc appt. I called my T and stupidly babbled about what I had done. My head hurt so bad, and felt so fuzzy, and my mind was definitely not in gear.......and without stopping her, that inner me reached out and rambled. My chest hurt as well most of the day. I went to see my pdoc and told him what I had done (my T asked me if I would tell me, so I did). I also showed him some of my posts so he would understand the depth of my depression these days and prescribe something else - and that I wasn't joking about this Sat. night. He told me that he wanted to call my T and talk to him about his ideas on meds and "some other ideas".........which he mentioned might be hospitalizing me.

In my frame of mind, my survival instinct kicked into overdrive and so did my paranoia, esp. when my T told me that HE would never hospitalize me but he couldn't guarantee what a diff doctor would do and couldn't stop him. This threw my memory into a comment of how "there were other ways to stop me".....and I freaked out. My pdoc wouldn't tell me anything or even about a next appt, just he had to talk to my T...and "what time are you going on Wed"? I was in high paranoia then.

After my interview, which went well btw - they also suggested a position of HRA, Human Resource Assistant (the one who does the all the hiring for the store) - and they just called for a 2nd interview for tomorrow afternoon. Anyway, after my interview I went running back to my T's office - just dropped in. Thankfully he had no one there, although I would have waited for him, and he saw me right away. My pdoc had called him and he reassured him that I was coming Wed. morning......and that as far as he was concerned I would be able to leave, as per his promise.

All night this ate at me and I felt completely threatened. I sent my T an email this morning asking if it was going to be a "set-up" where I had visitors tomorrow morning during our appt. He responded by saying that he wasn't a mind reader as to what my pdoc intended, but that he had emailed my T again this morning about meds. To me, that was another red flag and I got more upset. [sigh]. I finally got thru to my pdoc's voice mail, after a number of phone calls since he is not in his office today, and asked him to call me. He did, and I point blank asked him what he is up to.........he claims nothing, and says that he won't hospitalize me without talking to me and being there first.......told me he won't even be in town tomorrow. He did say that he will go back to his office, look over my file and make a decision about what med to put me on and leave a prescription for me in an envelope at his office for tomorrow after my meeting with my T. In the meantime, I had sent an email to my T telling him that I wasn't questioning his motives, just felt cornered and that even though HE wouldn't do anything, he also wouldn't stop it from happening. My response back was in bold type (I think I made him mad) that he guaranteed me that I would be able to leave. [sigh].

I responded with the latest from my pdoc and said that I will be hyper (as I'm sure he figures), but that I will be there. It has NOT been a good day so far.....and I feel like a complete idiot - but those warning flags are still there, not as bad, but still there.

In the midst I am dealing with unemployment, my son, and my husband (his nerves are on edge today.....omg, WHY CAN'T HE THINK OF ANYONE BUT HIMSELF?) and going into work later. My boss wants more hours out of me, and a doctor's clearance (which I don't have and can't get yet), and how I have to be trained and promoted by the 22nd. There is such an urge to yell and scream at everyone and say, "after Saturday none of this will matter - go to hell".............grrrrrrrr. Anger and fear are just a few of the balls I am juggling today.

So tomorrow I have to get up super early after closing tonite (that leaves about 4 hours to sleep), be completely distraught during my appt. with my T, run across town to get a prescription if I am allowed to leave, and then go for a second interview...............sure, all in a day's work, and stay calm.....NOT!!!

I am sorry this is so long........I wish I hadn't woken up Monday morning....and I still have the weekend to deal with. I wish God would put me out of my misery.

My apologies everyone for such a long post. xoxoxo

Mary Alice