Today’s session ended up being pretty intense. I discovered that using Zoom on the computer seems to eradicate the delay on my end.
R started the call and asked me how I am doing.
‘I almost started this conversation with ‘Greetings from Fragile Lost with the concrete shoulders. I have cried six times in the past four days.’
‘OK.’
‘When I said in the email that I had been working with ‘I am brave’ until it felt true…I found myself crying every single time.’
‘Was that saying it out loud, or thinking it?’
‘Saying it out loud.’
‘So that was a trigger. Anything I offer is for you to take or leave.’
‘It is doing some big work. I think I scared myself.’
‘You think you scared yourself? You’re just not ready?’

I explained that I felt a huge amount of resistance, but stopped there. ‘I was prepared that Wednesday would be hard. There are two walks I have available to me at the moment – one practical, and one pretty. I felt like I needed pretty to get me through.’

R smiled.

I have been very boundaried about the news. I have told friends, family and carers that all I want to know is when this is over. Meanwhile, one of my favourite folk musicians has been very ill with the virus. I watched a replay of a gig by another musician – this is relevant – who explained that the longer this goes on, the less good it looks, so that was triggering. Then I woke up on Wednesday, already a difficult day, to news that John Prine had died. I went for a walk with my support worker – the pretty walk is a tree lined clearing. She’s in the picture, so she dragged it out of me.’
‘That sounds like it was what you needed?’
‘As near as possible. We were walking back, and I just broke down. The situation being what it is, all she could do was stroke my arm like a frigging cat.’
I paused and then said ‘I feel so unsafe. We have worked so hard to get me to take some armour off, and now I need to put it back on to get through the day.’
‘In this moment, Lost, you are safe.’ I gave way then, and began to cry.

‘Let it out, Lost, if you need to.’

‘Pointless.’

We talked about the fact that the pandemic has probably accelerated this part of my journey, so that I am now in a really uncomfortable place without a lot of the things that help.
‘I am finding it really hard to do the things that help.’

‘What are they?’

‘Journalling, yoga, they’re all direct access to emotions.’
‘Whatever you need to do at the moment that helps you get through the day is OK.’
‘There’s a lot I want to say at the moment that I can’t say without crossing that line.’
I changed tack and showed her the blanket that I had draped over my knees.
‘I’m not sure whether that’s because you are cold, or whether you are using it to help. Whatever works.’
‘How selfish do you have to be…I feel so selfish.’
‘I am not going to challenge your feeling, but why do you feel selfish?’

I explained that I feel like the pandemic has magnified everything.
‘Usually my to-do list at this time is ‘Survive April.’

‘It is ****ing unbelievable that this is happening now. I’ll say it for you. This time of year is hard enough. If there wasn’t a pandemic, and this was an ordinary session, would you still feel the same?’
Out of nowhere, I found myself laughing. R asked why.
‘I can’t stop thinking about The Grinch. I would not usually say that I am a people person, but this time of year, I need people.’
‘The element of choice has been taken away. If you sat here and said ‘This thing happens every year, but the pandemic is the only thing I am worried about, I would be…’ She furrowed her brow. ‘The two things can co-exist.’
‘People talk about filling your cup at this time. I don’t know where to get another, because mine is already full.’
‘OK Concrete Shoulders – that is your new nickname – do you want to do some breathing exercises?’
R then led me through some deep breathing designed to loosen my shoulders, combined with a light massage. Our second breathing exercise focused on creating space.
‘I am not going to say ‘Have a good Easter,’ because I don’t want to trigger you, but I will say ‘Be kind to yourself.’ If you need to email, please do. I hope you get through the days OK.’