Hello everyone,

I'll start from childhood with a story I just found out.

When I was about 7 or 8 I had an incident in which I got very scared of “some dark men” I started saying leave me alone while covering my ears. Afterward, I was afraid to enter the house for several months.
My grandma told me this story. I can’t recall any of it.

In the last years, I started smoking a lot of cannabis. It seems to keep me calm and in a start of mind in which I don’t have to feel much but from time to time I seem to go in a vortex of bad thoughts.

Following a psychotic episode, I quit all forms of drugs, started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist who prescribed antipsychotics. Since then episode I started to isolate myself and fighting to avoid anything that would be a stressor. And being afraid of going outside as I feel people give me too much attention. Sometimes in the day, I start feeling like a child or have some moments in which I feel good with myself In which I wish everything was good and my mind would work as it should. A very powerful wish that I envision as being real.

Since I quit drugs from time to time I feel and wish that everyone should leave me alone. It a very powerful feeling. I think I can connect this feeling with the one from childhood.

I don’t know if I have a single question. I am just curious if anyone had a similar situation and how day managed to deal with it.

Thanks and sorry my poor English