It is really scary to feel this way;
I have improved markedly.
I feel alert...even alive at times..
my motivation is great.
my head and thoughts are clear as crystal..
on the outside im even looking happy!
im working really well at my job...so im told anyway.. :-)
i have the get up and go to do things...
even end it...which frightens me..
im not going to today...this isn't a threat...
but i now understand why it is that some people suicide when they look like they are really starting to get better...because nobody knows...
that they still feel painfully depressed inside...
and that is how i feel...im in so much despair in the evenings and night
i have anxiety where i can't sleep and dream of being stabbed and abused...
i cry every night at what this %#@&#! depression has made me lose
i cry so hard...because i never meant to be such a horribe friend...
and it hurts so much,...i can't deny it any more..it really hurts bad..to know that im so bad that i could be dumped so coldly..that im not even worth looking at anymore...that my friendship could mean nothing..
that no one cares that i was sick and couldnt help it..that it wasnt me..
that i lost all my chances...
that i was left hight and dry...
without any explanation other than everything i said was %#@&#! and rubbish..

yet i can hide it now...
i guess that is a good thing...in terms of not losing everyone..
basically life is going well...
i have really loving friends who i wouldn't bother living without...
they really care about me and have helped me so much..
they have taught me how to be strong...and that i don't need anyone who would hurt me..
they tell me to trust in the universe and i do...
i know ill get better and im not a bad person..and wont let anyone tell me i am...
my job is somewhat stable..tho at times i hate being there...but its mostly when i have to face someone who hates me...which still stings inside...when they ignore me...(can they just not be civil..for the sake of work?...im not a piece of %#@&#!...or a lepar..)
i am happier than i was...
and im enjoying things more..
but im a failure..
i ruined things that were important to me because im horrible...
im ashamed of who i am...and long to be different...
im disgusted with myself...
i don't want to know me..
i don't want to be my friend...
why was it that i love more than im loved...
why did i get dumped so hard...because i cared and asked for help...
was i deluded the whole time?
im just having a bad night and need to cry
i know i've contradicted myself so many times..
but im sick of it all...
sometimes i wish i wasnt here...but i don't want to die....i just don't want to have depression anymore..
and im scared of people turning on me an being mean...
i can't handle it...
i don't know if i deserved it...i don't know if i deserve to hurt...
everyone says im not poison but why do i feel that way,..
if im not poison why did i poison friendships...
is depression poison..or was it me..who i am...and my personality..
oh well..such is life...
and i have friends that adore me..but it doesnt take away the hurt of being hated...