This is really triggering and we do not want to trigger or hurt anyone. If you do not want to read this we will understand. We are not worth much or worth hearing. These are our feelings--our self hate.

I sit here tears rolling down my face and chills just covering my body. I keep asking why??? A question that will never have an answer. I need support right now. I am hurting so much. Where was someone just anyone safe my whole life? My heart hurts and it is hard to breath right now.

I wonder what they were thinking as they hurt a child? What monsterous things would make people be so evil? And what child could have ever felt anything? Feelings do not exist anymore not for us. Not good ones anyway.

I hate myself and all that I have become. I am bad and worthless, and nothing. That is just a given and I am ugly and dirty always. Do not matter how much you clean 'cause you still ain't clean. And no one cared, no one came except those who were a part of it all.

And even now, no one can get close--it is not possible. We are evil like those that came in the dark. Do not matter if you say no--no one heard you--no one cared. Doors shut--too little to even know if you felt anything. Too little to understand what was expected so you just did as they said.

They say ask you ask--they say thank me--you thank them. Red eyes did not mean anything to anyone around. Must have been really a bad child for red eyes to be that acceptable. No one asked, no one.

The bruises, hidden where others could not see or chose to not see. They may be gone today, not inside our heart. They run deep in our system. They are there every time someone goes to give us a hug--it hurts. They are there every time we think that maybe we would like someone to fall in love with--it hurts. It can never be--not for us.

We do not deserve love or to know how it feels for someone to hug us without pain or fear of what is expected. Sometimes, just to be held hurts our skin but we try not to tell or no one will ever hold us. We are disgusting inside and out. And no one can ever bring back our innocence from the first day we were born. For we know not for sure when it all started.

So many times, I try to wash and wash but it never comes clean. And the desire to hurt rages on because I am the only one who can know how it is suppose to be. And though hurting only last for a while, it is in that while that we can let our heart rest for just those moments before it goes right back to all the pain.

We know what happened and it is getting bigger as we uncover what lies inside. And it hurts and it feels as though we are going to not make it before we are through. How many pieces can a heart be shattered into and still be put back together? And with the shattered pieces what could it possibly resemble beside an ugliness no one will want to see--not even myself.

Sometimes I have to do things to us to feel alive and like someone cares. I feel that I will never get it somewhere else so I have to do it. And in that I cannot stop until I hear his voice telling me that is my girl. And I hate myself all the more.

So, I guess in closing this--I am asking for someone to care and send maybe a virtual hug. Because I am afraid and they will not hurt you. But I feel so much shame and maybe I have no right asking for anything and please forgive me for asking 'cause you probably hate us as much as we do.

I just needed to write. I needed to get it out. I am sorry.

cami