Dear goldengoddess809,

I wish I had some insight and wisdom into what you describe, but sadly I don't. Hopefully others here with PGAD will see your post and respond to you with their experiences as well as with understanding and compassion for you.

The human brain is very mysterious. It is often difficult and sometimes impossible to know why it causes us to think and do the things we do. I have found that the brain often seems to have a mind of its own.

A person can only be responsible for what they do with full voluntariness. Full voluntariness requires full knowledge and full consent of the will. Many things can be impediments to these. There are many psychological conditions which reduce or totally impede voluntariness. I would bet that PGAD is one of them.

I seriously doubt that you have the requisite voluntariness to be responsible for what you do under the influence of PGAD. So please do not be harsh with yourself.

What you describe may seem bad to you, but please try to keep perspective if you are able. There have been a couple of men in the last 100 years who caused the destruction of tens of millions of people through genocide and forced starvation campaigns.
Your genital arousal disorder has not caused the destruction of tens of millions of people or millions or people or hundreds of thousands of people or thousands or people or hundreds of people and so on. So while you may feel badly about what your illness causes in you, you are not a bad person. You are a good person and a million times more than any mental illness you may be suffering.

"Normal" is not a point on a line. It is a range of points. I would be willing to guess that there are perhaps hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world who suffer from PGAD. That number may be in the millions.

It is good that your therapist treats you with the great respect and compassion and understanding that you deserve. No one is immune from being surprised by what their brain is doing. Even therapists are often surprised by what their own brains do.

I wish I had some good advice for you, but I lack wisdom. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor and fallible words.

All the best to you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen