Ah, I see. I think some of it has been a misunderstanding.
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Originally Posted by divine1966
I am sad to hear that you keep choosing abusive men.
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Thank you. This is my second abusive relationship, 20 years apart.
I learned about my mother's NPD when I was already in this relationship and after I stepped away from my family. It was an eye opener. My partner doesn't beat me. He doesn't "bully", either.. so it was harder for me to understand that his tendencies were/are abusive. I'm just starting to realize this now. I used to think some of his erratic behaviours were possibly related to his MS. I knew he was insecure and had codependency issues but it didn't sound like narcissism, like my mother.
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The reason I thought you are very young: you make many excuses for your partners abusive behaviors and seem to question it (I had no idea you had abusive partners or any partners before) , you said you can’t afford to be on your own and he is the only provider (which could be because you stay at home mom, although it’s unusual in mid 40s because most people can’t really put a career on hold, that’s why I thought you might be right after high school), you are asking a lot of parenting questions and seem to be generally surprised to find out that it’s not good for young children to witness abusive behaviors. Sorry I don’t mean to offend, but to me you sounded like you are very inexperienced
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I'm on maternity leave. Where I live it's 18months. I'm returning to work in the fall, part time. Daycares here have waitlists x2 children, one of which who has anxieties. Preschool was quite hard for her, in terms of separation anxiety. We don't feel daycare is suitable for her just yet.. not that there's a spot available anyway.
I don't think I'm making excuses for his behaviours. In fact, I've been point blank with him about it that these behaviours are really concerning. We've been to couples counseling and I've encouraged him to go to individual counseling multiple times (which he has). Again, the abuse isn't in my face. It's subtle and comes up from time to time.. and again, I questioned how much of it was related to his MS. I'm also just finding things out now.
I'm not asking for parenting advice, per say. I'm just explaining some behaviours my 3yr old is exhibiting and suggestinghow I'm managing them with regards to the abuse. Yes, I've agreed to your feedback and sometimes it's just good to hear that validation from someone else. So thank you for being that person. I appreciate your perspective.
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Usually as women get older they’d not go for abusive men because they’ll see the signs. Younger girls don’t always recognize the signs.
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As mentioned, I entered this relationship when I felt completely isolated. Yes, I ignored a few early on red flags. As I saw it, he didn't beat me. He was very affectionate.. took my son under his wing during a big transition in his life which I was grateful for. His parents and sister are lovely. I knew there were things to work on and I wasn't expecting perfection, and I definitely didn't realize a bigger problem was brewing. Sometimes it takes a pattern of behaviours to see a bigger picture. I also had never heard of "Reactive Abuse" until a few days ago.
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By the way some of your partners abusive patterns could be explained by him being a drug addict even if he isn’t using heavy drugs now, he still uses drugs as he smokes pot a lot. Excessive marijuana use could cause many symptoms. There is pot induced psychosis and many more issues.
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Possibly. He only uses medicinal marijuana to help with his MS symptoms.. and only at night when we all go to bed. There's a lot of variables when it comes to his health.
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In addition him getting high regularly is something you can use in custody dispute. Even in states where pot is legal, routinely getting high around minor children isn’t something judge would look favorably at. You might have a shot at full custody with his drug use and abusive patterns..
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I'm not sure where this information is coming from. He's not at all getting high around the kids.