Phew, boy! Past couple days have been... trying. Fortunately, while I have had cravings for porn, they've been very manageable, so that's a small blessing. But, the past couple days I've been very irritable with K. Unfairly so. Yesterday was the worst day, it seemed like everything she did pissed me off, and I had no real good reason for it. I tried to tamp it down, keep it relatively contained, and tried to puzzle through it in my own head, try to sort it out so I wasn't letting it out on her. But I kinda failed. I was very passive aggressive, very huffy and full of sighs, and became visibly irritated anytime she requested I do something. I'm having trouble today figuring out why, but I think a couple factors were at play.

While we're pretty used to spending a lot of time together, more than either of us spends with anyone else, this quarantine business REALLY increased that time to... ALL of the time. And I think we're just getting on each other's nerves and up in each other's grill with nowhere for either of us to take our frustrations elsewhere. Last week, it was her being very irritated with me, these past couple days it's me. I did apologize to her yesterday, after I finally sorted myself out with some alone time getting a couple loads of water into our cistern. That helped matters. But before that, when we were getting groceries, and then gathering up some more firewood... I was downright grumpy with her. Almost mean. Maybe even mean. Over stupid stuff, like her asking if we could stop by staples for some art supplies to help mediate her boredom at home. Simple, right? You wouldn't think it by the way I was behaving. I was just so fed up with following her around stores that I felt we didn't need to be going into (although we kinda did), and I wasn't keeping it to myself. So that's probably one reason for my poor mood, just too much time around the same person with no breaks.

Another was definitely sexual frustration. The past couple days I've been going through up and down cycles of ramped up sexual need. Without an outlet. I ain't turning back to porn. Can't really, anyway. One pro of being around K constantly is she's always around to see what I'm up to, so there isn't much opportunity for my brain to get up to it's "just a little" shenanigans. Also the boon of only having internet access through her and her laptop right now, makes it a lot easier to resist when she can see what I've been doing on it. I did try to relieve myself in the shower, as has become a habit, but... I just couldn't this time around. Partly because I've been trying to save it for her, but also... it just ain't what I need right now. The touch felt good, but my being is after more. Something more connecting, less mechanical. Something deeper, more primal than just getting my rocks off alone in the shower. I need the emotional and physical connection my imagination can't provide. And therein lies the rub.

I feared our disparate libidos would become an issue, and my fears seem to be getting proven. She's definitely been more receptive since I quit porn, but... agh, selfish as I feel saying it, not enough. I think I said this before, but for her, once a week is more than enough. To me, it feels like half as much as I "need", and a quarter as much as I want. Also part of it for her is that (as I've mentioned before I believe), if I don't orgasm with her, there's no point in her eyes. She needs guarantee that I can provide verifiable evidence that I've enjoyed my time with her or she doesn't want to do it. Whereas I don't see that as the be all for time well spent. And then she's also dealing with her own problems, depression and such, that inhibit her libido even more.


Throw that in with my imagination working overtime lately, going through all my fave fetishes and visuals, often combining them, and me still managing to resist and even dampen them at time... I've been in a sexual high key for days.

None of this is her fault, something I have to constantly remind myself of so that I don't build resentment against her, but that's one of those things easier said than done. And then today, I got the offer, after supper, and I should have taken her up on it, but the resentment I've been trying to prevent and suppress came out in the form of rejecting her offer. Partly because of how it was framed. See, her way of expressing desire is by asking me to bath with her. "What's wrong with that?" you might ask. Well, I've a pretty big frame. I'm 5'10 and my chest is 46" around, 24" across at the outside of my biceps (this is my widest point when my arms are down). I'm no body builder, but I'm not a small dude. So I typically shower, not because I don't enjoy soaking my bones (hot tubs are fantastic), but because it's much more comfortable than trying to wash all of me in a tub that's just wide enough and not near tall enough. In order to wash my hair, I have to lift my legs out of the tub so I can push my body down far enough to dunk my head. It's not comfortable. Now try cramming me in with another person. And still expect me to wash myself properly. And if I want to have sex with her, she nigh expects this of me before each time. It's like foreplay for her. See how this might be annoying for me? I have no problem with getting clean before getting dirty, who wants some sweaty smelly viking climbing on top of them? But I can't just have a shower before? Is there no other acceptable foreplay? Not really for her, it seems. So I foolishly rejected her offer out of pure annoyance and frustration. And now I'm regretting it. Upon writing this out, I now feel even more foolish, and even petulant, for it.

I don't know anymore, is it too much to ask that she desire me enough to want to be more sexually adventurous for me? Am I asking too much when I ask her to wear lingerie and stockings, and to set aside some time for us to play with rope and other things? Aye, it's only been a month and a half since I quit porn, and granted I haven't asked recently, but then... I haven't really seen any sign that I should. I feel it would just be more of the same rejection I received in the past. Maybe I'm being impatient? Maybe I'm letting myself focus too much on the sex?