I definitely think it's more about her approval, I do have kind of a fixation in that. I really care and worry about what she thinks of me. It's almost like her telling me I can masturbate during our sessions, or whenever I need to do it to get that release, is giving me some sort of "permission" that I think I was seeking from someone else because I would not give myself that permission. I was too ashamed to condone my own behavior and I think that's why it became so compulsive.

This is an unorthodox way of handling my PGAD, maybe, but it actually feels very healing to me. There is something very comforting and soothing about having that experience while listening to the sound of her voice, it's very grounding. I have a severe form of DID and dissociate frequently, having full blackouts multiple times a day, and it is more likely to happen when I masturbate - even though I have to masturbate to get some relief from my PGAD symptoms. The orgasms I have spontaneously are not as intense or satisfying as the ones I get through masturbating. So it feels more like a comfort/safety thing

I do want to talk to her about the fantasies and my preoccupation with it, because I can see how it might possibly turn into a fetish. I have done this type of thing for years though, I just never told any of my other therapists about it. I'm hoping that having it out in the open and taking out some of the secrecy / taboo around it will help me get it out of my system. It feels that way so far. It's actually a huge relief after all this time doing this, like a huge burden was lifted from me. I always felt so ashamed of the things I did and wondered why I would want to masturbate so much or do it around people or on the phone, etc. It was nice to finally be honest about all of it and have my therapist be so supportive and understanding, and not judge me at all.