Hello lillycollins: Thank you for sharing your experiences with us here on PC. I see this is your first. Welcome to Psych Central.

At the end of your post you asked where all of the experiences you've had leaves you. I'm sorry I don't think I have an answer to offer you. I think, perhaps, in order to sort all of this out & figure out where to go from here may require the services of a mental health therapist. Perhaps other PC members will have some insights they'll wish to share. However here are links to 11 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help with putting this into perspective:

Why Do We Repeat the Same Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns Over and Over?

11 Relationship Red Flags and Why We Ignore Them

Why Moving on from a Codependent Relationship Is so Difficult

Repetition Compulsion: Why Do We Repeat the Past?

Is History Repeating in Your Love Life? Understand the Power of Love Scripts

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knott...ur-adult-self/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knott...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...relationships/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-y...elf-regularly/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...-and-helpless/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-step...yourself-more/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.